The 30 Best Only Fools And Horses One Liners

published 30 November 2011

On top of all the long winded silliness, Batman outfits, and general slapstick tomfoolery, Fools writer John Sullivan was the master of cramming quick fire gags into his scripts. The man could squeeze an entire series worth of humour into just a handful of syllables. The killer lines were always delivered deadpan, and at the pace of Mickey Pearce legging it out of Wandsworth nick. Mange tout, mange tout.

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Rodney on Trigger's IT skills

"Trigger with a computer? Do me a favour, he's still struggling with light switches.”

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Del Boy on Granddad’s cooking

"It's the toughest chicken I've ever known. It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice."

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Mike on Del Boy’s debt at the Nag’s Head

"I've got so many of his slates under here I could re-tile me bloody roof."

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Granddad on one of his mates deserting during the war

"You couldn't blame him the way them Germans was carrying on. Someone was gonna get hurt."

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Rodney on Del Boy's cooking

"If you had been in charge of The last supper it would have been a take away."

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Del Boy on the state of the flat

"I got a Persian rug with more food on it than a menu."

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Denzil on a potential date

"We might go out, get to know each other a bit, you know. Might like each other then - who knows? - in time maybe she might do some ironing for me."

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Rodney on hearing about yet another one of Del’s former fiancés

"Stone me Del, you've been engaged more times than a switchboard."

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Del Boy on Rodney's failings

"You've always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education - that's why you're no good at snooker."

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Granddad on Sidney Poitier

"Always plays the black fella."

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Del Boy on his own football talent

"I used to be a midfield dynamo, played like Paul Gascoigne. Boycie used to play like Bamber Gascoigne."

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Boycie on accusations that he has murdered Marlene and buried her in the garden

"I have never been so insulted in my life, do you know how much I've spent on that garden? You think I'm going to dig a hole in it?"

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Rodney on his depression

"I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me."

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Granddad on drug addiction centres

"Aren't there enough drug addicts about as it is, without recruiting them?"

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Del Boy on Rodney’s role in the Trotters Independent Traders empire

"I see it as a combination of my business acumen and salesmanship, and your ability to drive a three-wheeled van. Badly."

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Del Boy on Albert's claim that Lord Nelson (like him) was a sailor who couldn't swim

"Of course he couldn't swim, he only had one bloody arm. He would have gone around in circles, wouldn't he?"

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Trigger on his father

"He died a couple of years before I was born."

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Uncle Albert on his Naval heritage

"I’m the only one in our family who ever went to sea. Well, my grandmother’s brother was safety officer on the Titanic, but we never talk about it."

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Rodney on having to pretend he’s 14 to get a free package holiday

"Thanks to your general wally-ness, I am now a twenty six year old man who has just come second in a skateboard race."

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Boycie on Rodney

"I have heard rumours Mickey Mouse wears a Rodney Trotter wristwatch."

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Del Boy on his mother

"She used to say, 'It's better to know you've lost than not to know you've won.' Dear old Mum... she used to say some bloody stupid things."

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Del Boy on the plot of the movie War Games

"No chance of this happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can't even get Channel Three!"

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Del Boy on legging it

"There's no point in running away. Running away only wears out your shoes."

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Boycie on visiting Nelson Mandela House

"I'd like to get away as quick as possible. I've left my Mercedes parked downstairs and you know what they're like on this estate. They'd have the wheels off a Jumbo if it flew too low."