You’ve probably had a couple of ‘big ones’ haven’t ya? Few ‘nawty’ nights on the razz, eh? Getting on it, once a-bloody-gain, what are you liiiiiike? But no matter how many time you’ve painted the proverbial town a rouge hue, I’d hazard a guess - perhaps even hedge my bets - that you’ve never had it as large as Ozzy Osbourne.
The singer and noted alcohol-drinker has a formidable reputation when it comes to what those perky youngsters call ‘the sesh’ - but their definition of the word was nothing on how Osbourne would have it. His legendary benders are exactly that: legendary.
So, you can imagine the gale-force 12 hangovers that he’d have dealt with in his life - like nothing you’ve ever experienced, I would assume. Five Wikky-Ds and a Jagerbomb don’t really compare to a big old 24-hour smash up with not a five minute gap between lines of coke and shots of whiskey, do they?
Even so, you may have your own hangover cure (mine is personally a cheese and cucumber sandwich on white bread - oh God that shit works wonders), but you’d need a solution of greatly increased strength to battle an Ozzy comedown. So what did he use, exactly?
Well, according to his “Dr.” Ozzy Osbourne’s advice column in The Times, it was something altogether counter-intuitive:
Dear Dr Ozzy
In your experience, which alcoholic beverage delivers the least unpleasant hangover? As the festive season approaches, I’d like to indulge in the merriment while making the mornings after as bearable as possible.
You’re asking the wrong question. Trying to cure your hangover while you’re still drinking ain’t gonna have a happy ending, no matter what kind of booze you avoid. Alcohol is alcohol. If you drink enough of it, nothing on the planet can save you.
And after the third glass, any rule you’ve made for yourself is gonna go straight out of the window. What you should be asking me is how to treat the hangover. Over the years, I developed a fail-safe cure. Basically, I’d mix four tablespoons of brandy with four tablespoons of port, throw in some milk, a few egg yolks, and — if I was in a festive mood — some nutmeg. The second I woke, I’d mix it up and down it. The way it works is very clever: it gets you instantly blasted again, so you don’t feel a thing. The only drawback is that, unless you keep drinking, the hangover that eventually catches up with you is about a thousand times worse than it would have otherwise been.
I can understand how this works, but then I can also understand how it definitely doesn’t. Hair of the dog is not a preventative measure, it simply delays the inevitable - which, it must be said, is as good a cure as any. Have that cocktail every morning, put off that hangover forever!
I mean, don’t, of course - that’s alcoholism, but a full day pissed on a Saturday is quite fun actually, if you ask me. I speak from experience. Let your hair down once in a while, you square.