Tracking the soaring stocks and junk bonds of social media, helping you to invest carefully and speculate wisely. (By Rhodri Marsden)
Falling: "Asking for help"
Twitter, ever obliging, leapt to her assistance, because what she really wanted right then was not to watch tennis, but rather wade through a load of unsuccessful stabs at humour.
What does 'on the red button' mean?!— Elizabeth Hurley (@ElizabethHurley) July 1, 2013
It means you're with child < @ElizabethHurley: What does 'on the red button' mean?!”— tom jamieson (@jamiesont) July 1, 2013
@ElizabethHurley destruction— adam (@Adam19781) July 1, 2013
“@ElizabethHurley: What does 'on the red button' mean?!” press it Elizabeth but hold on tight !!!— Steve (@stevesbigplanet) July 1, 2013
“@ElizabethHurley: What does 'on the red button' mean?!” Think it is actually called a 'bindy'— Stuart Scott (@stuscott24) July 1, 2013
Elizabeth, still no wiser as to the whys and wherefores of this mythical red button, unleashed another heartfelt plea.
@ElizabethHurley It's the priority lift at Gstaad— christian (@xtianburton) July 1, 2013
Twitter, again, lent a helping hand in the only way it knows how – by dicking about and not answering the question.
Thanks for answers but....where is the red button?!— Elizabeth Hurley (@ElizabethHurley) July 1, 2013
@ElizabethHurley You either know, or you don't know.— Chris Ilett (@chrisilett) July 1, 2013
@ElizabethHurley just give it quick flick. you'll know it when you find it. x— Rachel Roberts (@scouserachel) July 1, 2013
@ElizabethHurley go back to sleep, safer option— jim daniel (@djroyal29) July 1, 2013
@ElizabethHurley how many offers to come round and show you where it is so far?— GeoffBanksRacing (@geoffbanksbet) July 1, 2013
By this point, you wouldn't blame Liz for unleashing a stream of abusive tweets – the kind that would probably get her a page of coverage plus bikini shots in MailOnline. But she didn't, so she's ended up in @ShortList instead. Fortunately, there were a smattering of helpful people on Twitter who were able to guide her to the red button.
@ElizabethHurley which red button?— Falgun Joshipura (@falgunjoshipura) July 1, 2013
At which point she could continue her viewing, unhindered by the Twitter community.
@ElizabethHurley the red button is on your sky remote along with the other coloured buttons— Mark Brasier (@markiemarki) July 1, 2013
So, next time you see someone with hundreds of thousands of followers saying "Please, no jokes", the above is a pretty good illustration as to why that is.
Oho. Found it. Ingenious.— Elizabeth Hurley (@ElizabethHurley) July 1, 2013
Anyone got a magical way of activating a copy of Final Draft that SHOULD BE WORKING BUT IS NOT FOR NO FRIKKING REASON? Please, no jokes.— Graham Linehan (@Glinner) February 14, 2012
Falling: "Mandela gun-jumpers"
@CNN_BREAKING_ is, of course, a fake CNN account, as its next tweet unsubtly reveals:
At age 94, Nelson Mandela has died, official sources confirm.— CNN BREAKING NEWS (@CNN_BREAKING_) June 27, 2013
But that doesn’t stop thousands of people unquestioningly retweeting the “news”, and in some cases adding their own moving tributes:
R.I.P. Nelson Mandela. pic.twitter.com/WYdW7fBkTp— CNN BREAKING NEWS (@CNN_BREAKING_) June 27, 2013
Others choose to hazard wild guesses that he might have died, based upon hunches:
“@CNN_BREAKING_: At age 94, Nelson Mandela has died, official sources confirm.” NOOOO my heart hurts— Zana Jasarevic (@zanajasarevic) June 27, 2013
Others pose riddles:
I think Nelson Mandela has died :(— Sherridan (@shezbabee) June 27, 2013
To which the answer is “people who tweet that Mandela has died and then immediately retract their claims within the same tweet in order to hang onto some kind of credibility as a much-valued news source”:
What's worse than tweeting that Nelson Mandela has died before he has died?— amusebarf (@amusebarf) June 27, 2013
First with news can often mean being worst with news, as Australian politician Gary Gray discovered last night when, perhaps taking his cue from trigger-happy gun-jumpers on Twitter, he wrongly told guests attending a Minerals Council of Australia dinner that Mandela had died. He hadn’t. And he still hasn’t. Look, these three people are saying so, it must be true.
I'm seeing reports that Nelson Mandela has died, if that's true it's a great loss but I'm not saying anything until its official— Garyn Jones (@GarynLFCJones95) June 27, 2013
Nelson Mandela is alive.— Oshi (@OshiSuuru) June 27, 2013
Shut up Nelson Mandela is alive— cool wood (@dawuudi) June 27, 2013
Oh, but hang on, hang on – has anyone checked what Dan McDermott is saying about this?
Nelson Mandela Is Alive.— Andre Harrison Jr. (@AndreHarrisonJr) June 27, 2013
BBC, CNN, SKY – CLEAR THE SCHEDULES. MCDERMOTT HAS SPOKEN.
Apparently Nelson Mandela has died— Dan McDermott (@Danmcdermott96) June 27, 2013
Falling: "Andrew Selous MP"
You would think that they would want to lean English lol http://t.co/qhiMfhRo— Fidel Pichardo (@B1DEL) December 16, 2012
Why do we have to learn spanish they are comin over here make them lean english— morgan anderson (@morgan293680) December 7, 2012
Why can't everyone just lean English so we don't have to learn other languages? #logic— Francesca Sotomayor (@frangorra) November 12, 2012
and Darren Mole:
I realize its hard to lean english thats why i think they should learn it before they even cross the border.— Emily Sherman (@_emilysherman) June 14, 2012
None of these people will suffer quite so much ridicule as Andrew has, though.
Why are we weak?when a immigrant comes into country they should b made to lean English,we should not accommodate for other languages this ..— DarrenMole @BYD (@DarrenMole) November 1, 2011
The 'Lean English' is the low-calorie version of the famous breakfast. It's awful.— Dean Burnett (@garwboy) June 26, 2013
Twitter's not inclined to agree with you. RT @Andrew_SelousMP Strongly support the loss of benefits unless claimants lean English.— The_No_Show (@The_No_Show) June 26, 2013
The correct way to lean English. pic.twitter.com/p91UIKaynJ— Keri (@kerihw) June 26, 2013
But that’s all changed. Now #wimbledon has become a deluge of observations about grass court tennis, and right now, more specifically, Maria Sharapova. Very strict etiquette surrounds tweets about Ms Sharapova: Men must say that she’s “smoking hot” (or similar) while women must say that she grunts too loudly. Let’s just see this in action:
#Wimbledon - Customers on the 18:06 train WAT to Hampton Court. You were at a stand due to a disruptive passenger. Will be on the move soon.— South West Trains (@SW_Trains) August 16, 2012
Sharapova is the reason I watch females tennis #wimbledon— Kevin O Regan (@KevinORegan4) June 24, 2013
Sharapova is so loud!!#Wimbledon— Othandwayo (@Othi_dancefreak) June 24, 2013
Sharapova sure is loud.. #wimbledon— Kaisa Hammarlund (@KaisaHammarlund) June 24, 2013
Just picture Sharapova in the bedroom :''') #Wimbledon— Shane Mooi (@shanemooi) June 24, 2013
The noises Sharapova makes do my head in!!! #wimbledon— Sarah Satterthwaite (@SarahSatty) June 24, 2013
Truly skilful Twitter operators, however, are able to combine the sexy / noisy tropes into a single pithy observation. Watch, learn:
Sharapova is annoyingly noisy #wimbledon— Mhlá (@mhla200) June 24, 2013
Do you think Maria Sharapova is that loud in bed? #Wimbledon— Red Army (@AFC_RedArmy) June 24, 2013
I bet maria sharapova is loud in bed! #wimbledon— Jamiecoleman (@Mrjaysongzz) June 24, 2013
Ace. If only someone could get the word “balls” in there too, we could depart from Twitter for the day in the knowledge that the subject of tennis has been effectively dealt with. Oh, here we go:
Sharapova must be loud in bed— Patrick Monaghan (@paddyjmonaghan) June 24, 2013
The level of satisfaction I would get from hearing Maria Sharapova scream like that because of my balls 🎾 #wimbledon— Liam (@Liam_Buckley3) June 24, 2013