The Twitter Index

Some people haven’t seen the latest episode of Breaking Bad yet. Nor have I, as it goes. Difference is, I’ve not seen any episodes of Breaking Bad yet, so spoilers bounce off me harmlessly, like peas flicked at a cushion. These guys, however, are furious. And rightly so. Or not rightly so, depending on your attitude towards spoilers.

Stop tweeting about what happens in Breaking Bad you idiots... Some of us got that shit DVR'd #shhhh
— D.Ross (@Mr_DRoss) September 16, 2013

STOP TWEETING ABOUT BREAKING BAD
— Mike Cass (@MikeCass_) September 16, 2013

Stop tweeting about breaking bad you're all ruining it for me
— Jack (@JMoney_9735) September 16, 2013

Thing is, as we know, you can’t unsee what you’ve seen. If you’ve seen the spoiler it’s already spoiled. Your tweet of spoiler rage achieves nothing, really, other than to notch up another howl of spoiler anguish on the spoiler counter.

MOTHERFUCKERS STOP TWEETING ABOUT BREAKING BAD DAMNIT
— Marty Mcfly (@j_destefano9) September 16, 2013

omg stop tweeting about breaking bad spoilers go to hell
— camila (@psychobitxh) September 16, 2013

Everyone stop tweeting about Breaking Bad. I will destroy every last one of you.
— lauren (@laursalemme) September 16, 2013

Everyone talks about the whole TV-watch-along enjoyment of Twitter, the way it enables us to experience shows as if we were all sat on a gigantic sofa stuffing our faces with crisps, but the people who aren’t able to sit on that sofa can get murderous, and it’s not because they’re missing out on the crisps. Sod the crisps. They don’t want the crisps, and they don’t want the plot twists spelled out in 140 characters.

STOP TWEETING ABOUT BREAKING BAD I HAVEN'T SEEN THE EPISODE YET FUCJ YOU GUYS
— Audrey Pritchard (@auto_bahn) September 16, 2013

STOP TWEETING ABOUT BREAKING BAD HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT
— Em Dack (@robertpattycake) September 16, 2013

Stop that. Stop that all of you. Stop saying cryptic shit, stop tweeting screenshots, stop saying ANYTHING about Breaking Bad.
— Johnny Chiodini (@johnneh) September 16, 2013

Some people offer what you might call a legitimate excuse, bearing in mind that social media is meant to facilitate constant brain splurges:

I can't stop tweeting about Breaking Bad because I can't stop talking about Breaking Bad because I can't stop thinking about Breaking Bad.
— Denae Gaunce (@dng1105) September 16, 2013

And others offer the only advice it’s possible to offer, bearing in mind that people won’t shut up about Breaking Bad. People won’t shut up about anything. If there’s one medium that’s ill-suited to the notion of shutting up, it’s Twitter.

"Stop tweeting Breaking Bad spoilers!" = "Stop using a social network designed for real time thoughts to socially network in real time!"
— Mark Titus (@clubtrillion) September 16, 2013

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I think it was Winston Churchill who said:

I have been brought up and trained to have the utmost contempt for people who get drunk. - Winston Churchill
— JonahLangenheim (@JonahLangenheim) September 16, 2013

I wasn't brought up in that fashion. While many people would find it irritating to have their Twitter timelines polluted with a string of incoherent tweets from someone who's just knocked back half a bottle of Jägermeister, I have admiration for anyone who a) tries to communicate electronically when utterly leathered, and b) doesn't delete stuff the following morning as shame envelops them. Last night my friend @gibbzer tweeted this classic of the genre:

I ahve returned from my spjourn with my friends to find a chocilate oranege in the fridge. This is a eresult.
— gibbzer (@gibbzer) September 15, 2013

Having been in that situation myself, where the urge to tweet overrides your physical ability to carry out it effectively, I can picture the scene; you're slumped on a chair, eyes struggling to focus, fingers jabbing away semi-randomly as you groan gently, knowing deep down that some bastard's going to pick you up on your spelling.

im drunk nd cant type straght lol
— Nick♉may 20 (@NickBee_520) September 16, 2013

Why am i retweeting followbshzi i muajqr t be seushek drnuk
— ☠ (@calicola_) September 15, 2013

Just dunped my mixed dribk and then dropped my phone #woops #drnk
— Torey Mickle (@Toreymickle) September 15, 2013

In fact, smartphone technology is reducing the incidence of badly-spelled drunk tweets; it recognises any sozzled, fat-fingered attempts at typing the word "drunk" and corrects it to "drunk". But not everyone has the latest phones.

WHY DID WE DRIBK SO MUCH
— Rabbit (@AlexCutsDatHam) September 15, 2013

UT JUST STUBK
— elton (@shitfacedstyles) September 15, 2013

"Wlak" doesn't always get corrected, either.

you never feel how drunk you actually are until you get up and try to wlak
— Bruhk Stylez (@brookestilesyo) September 14, 2013

I'm drunk but i know what im doing i just cant wlak
— Mookie Cartel (@MookieCartel) August 22, 2013

Or, for that matter, "hammered":

So goddamed hamered
— Crisci (@crisci96) September 15, 2013

But if you're really going to ensure maximum incoherence with minimal assistance from spellcheckers, it's best to wait until you get home, you're feeling a bit needy, you're sat in front of a keyboard, and you get ask.fm up on the screen. Go on, Matt. Go for it.

http://t.co/4AcTVr06r9 ask me stuf olesse please. Im druk and what questions
— MattKellyPTS (@MattTheeRipper) September 7, 2013

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As the horrific events of September 11th 2001 unfolded, I was sitting in an office in London's Mornington Crescent, engaged in the mind-numbing task of creating animated GIFs. I was working for one of those book clubs, you know, the ones where you'd foolishly succumb to a "3 books for £1.99" offer and then be postally harangued for the rest of your life with gaudy leaflets commanding you to buy more. The workforce was young, mainly in their early twenties, and it's safe to say that as the news unfolded on our computer screens the vast majority of them couldn't give a monkeys. As I stared in disbelief at the images on the news, my colleagues continued to laugh about blowoffs or whatever. Whether it was through geopolitical ignorance or a misalignment of priorities viz a viz blowoffs / terrorism, they didn't care.

9/11 didn't affect me, don't care about it.
— الله (@Treflipp_) September 11, 2013

And today, 12 years on, as the consequences of the 9/11 attacks continue to play out in the Middle East and around the world, there are still countless people who see it as inconsequential, who rank its importance somewhere alongside a missing dressing gown belt or an inability to successfully grow cress.

Can everyone shut up about 9/11 please IT'S SO FUCKING BORING AND I DON'T EVEN FUCKING CARE
— Lew (@LewyLew_) September 11, 2013

9/11 blah blah blah. I don't give a damn.
— Renee Bethards (@Bigfluff12) September 11, 2013

Of course, tragedy plus time equals shrugs of ambivalence; you won't see me getting too worked up about the destruction of Pompeii or the brutal acts of Vlad The Impaler. But it was only 12 years ago, guys.

All this 9/11 shit is gettin a bit boring now.
— Esther Cassell (@Cassellus) September 11, 2013

Blah blah blah 9/11 blah blah
— Vera Queera (@pincheverga) September 11, 2013

Awwwh fuck its 9/11 tv will be boring as fuck with all their shows and stories #yawn 😴😴 #getoverit
— Shane Óg Gribbon (@ShaneOgGribbon5) September 11, 2013

Ideally, we should follow the example of Olivia, whose heartfelt epitaph for the survivors of 9/11 has been much retweeted this morning – albeit with reminders that the survivors actually came out of it pretty well.

rip to all the survivors of 9/11 🌹
— liv (@olivialknight) September 11, 2013

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The noble profession of journalism may or may not be dying on its arse, but there's still a lot of space to fill with words, that mean something, placed in sequence, about things. Social media may or may not be playing a significant role in tearing journalism a new one, but it proves to be bloody useful when you're looking for case studies to feature in pieces about things like, I don't know, women aged 60 who think that adverts should show people her age modelling clothes.

Urgently looking for woman age 60 who thinks adverts should show people her age modelling clothes #journorequest PLS RT
— Carolin Mader (@caro_mad) September 10, 2013

In the past, journalists would have gone mental trying to track down a vintage wedding dress expert to answer some questions by the end of the day for a bridal feature, firstly phoning everyone in their "bulging book of contacts", then repeatedly drawing a blank and eventually ascribing a quote to someone who doesn't exist. But Twitter makes all that easy.

V last min request for a vintage wedding dress expert to answer some Qs via email by EOP for a lovely bridal feature #journorequest
— Johanna Payton (@jopayton) September 10, 2013

It's one of the ten rules of Twitter: everyone knows someone who knows someone who's had a close shave with an animal attack whilst travelling abroad.

looking for someone who's had a close shave with an animal attack whilst travelling abroad #journorequest
— Media Professionals (@fabulouscreate) September 10, 2013

Here you go!

@fabulouscreate I was stung by a stingray while in San Diego, n almost attacked by coyote's in the desert. Wouldn't say close shave though
— Tom Bourlet (@tom_bourlet) September 10, 2013

You could say that #journorequest is a manifestation of extreme laziness, an abdication of responsibility, something you can sling on Twitter to prove that you're doing your job before firing up Candy Crush Saga for a bit until someone bothers to reply.

Looking for ski chalets/resorts in Andorra #journorequest
— Cathy Adams (@Cathman) September 10, 2013

But, you know, it's not easy slinging together a couple of thousand words about a bunch of disparate and distressingly specific subjects over the course of a day

I'd like to talk to a Scots gran, mum and daughter in same family about attitudes to credit and debt. We'd take a pic too. #journorequest
— Clare Johnston (@ClareS_J) September 10, 2013

I'm not convinced that anyone actually follows #journorequest. I just imagined myself doing so, sitting there, waiting for someone to tweet "Does anyone know a balding half-Welsh bloke who's a lapsed bassoon player? #journorequest" and me leaping in. Nah. #journorequest, if anything, is an apology. An admission that your initial avenues of enquiry have failed, that you're turning to Twitter for help, and that anyone who can't help should just disregard the tweet and please, please not punish you with an unfollow.

Looking for people who practise modern day witch craft for my blog! Would love to share with everyone your story #JournoRequest #witch
— Leanne richards (@Leannejourno) September 8, 2013

Tomorrow, #witch.