Tracking the soaring stocks and junk bonds of social media, helping you to invest carefully and speculate wisely. (By Rhodri Marsden)
September 17th, 2013
Rising: People who haven't seen Breaking Bad yet
Stop tweeting about what happens in Breaking Bad you idiots... Some of us got that shit DVR'd #shhhh— D.Ross (@Mr_DRoss) September 16, 2013
STOP TWEETING ABOUT BREAKING BAD— Mike Cass (@MikeCass_) September 16, 2013
Stop tweeting about breaking bad you're all ruining it for me— Jack (@JMoney_9735) September 16, 2013
Thing is, as we know, you can’t unsee what you’ve seen. If you’ve seen the spoiler it’s already spoiled. Your tweet of spoiler rage achieves nothing, really, other than to notch up another howl of spoiler anguish on the spoiler counter.
MOTHERFUCKERS STOP TWEETING ABOUT BREAKING BAD DAMNIT— Marty Mcfly (@j_destefano9) September 16, 2013
omg stop tweeting about breaking bad spoilers go to hell— camila (@psychobitxh) September 16, 2013
Everyone stop tweeting about Breaking Bad. I will destroy every last one of you.— lauren (@laursalemme) September 16, 2013
Everyone talks about the whole TV-watch-along enjoyment of Twitter, the way it enables us to experience shows as if we were all sat on a gigantic sofa stuffing our faces with crisps, but the people who aren’t able to sit on that sofa can get murderous, and it’s not because they’re missing out on the crisps. Sod the crisps. They don’t want the crisps, and they don’t want the plot twists spelled out in 140 characters.
STOP TWEETING ABOUT BREAKING BAD I HAVEN'T SEEN THE EPISODE YET FUCJ YOU GUYS— Audrey Pritchard (@auto_bahn) September 16, 2013
STOP TWEETING ABOUT BREAKING BAD HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT— Em Dack (@robertpattycake) September 16, 2013
Stop that. Stop that all of you. Stop saying cryptic shit, stop tweeting screenshots, stop saying ANYTHING about Breaking Bad.— Johnny Chiodini (@johnneh) September 16, 2013
Some people offer what you might call a legitimate excuse, bearing in mind that social media is meant to facilitate constant brain splurges:
I can't stop tweeting about Breaking Bad because I can't stop talking about Breaking Bad because I can't stop thinking about Breaking Bad.— Denae Gaunce (@dng1105) September 16, 2013
And others offer the only advice it’s possible to offer, bearing in mind that people won’t shut up about Breaking Bad. People won’t shut up about anything. If there’s one medium that’s ill-suited to the notion of shutting up, it’s Twitter.
"Stop tweeting Breaking Bad spoilers!" = "Stop using a social network designed for real time thoughts to socially network in real time!"— Mark Titus (@clubtrillion) September 16, 2013
September 16th, 2013
I have been brought up and trained to have the utmost contempt for people who get drunk. - Winston Churchill— JonahLangenheim (@JonahLangenheim) September 16, 2013
I wasn't brought up in that fashion. While many people would find it irritating to have their Twitter timelines polluted with a string of incoherent tweets from someone who's just knocked back half a bottle of Jägermeister, I have admiration for anyone who a) tries to communicate electronically when utterly leathered, and b) doesn't delete stuff the following morning as shame envelops them. Last night my friend @gibbzer tweeted this classic of the genre:
I ahve returned from my spjourn with my friends to find a chocilate oranege in the fridge. This is a eresult.— gibbzer (@gibbzer) September 15, 2013
Having been in that situation myself, where the urge to tweet overrides your physical ability to carry out it effectively, I can picture the scene; you're slumped on a chair, eyes struggling to focus, fingers jabbing away semi-randomly as you groan gently, knowing deep down that some bastard's going to pick you up on your spelling.
im drunk nd cant type straght lol— Nick♉may 20 (@NickBee_520) September 16, 2013
Why am i retweeting followbshzi i muajqr t be seushek drnuk— ☠ (@calicola_) September 15, 2013
In fact, smartphone technology is reducing the incidence of badly-spelled drunk tweets; it recognises any sozzled, fat-fingered attempts at typing the word "drunk" and corrects it to "drunk". But not everyone has the latest phones.
WHY DID WE DRIBK SO MUCH— Rabbit (@AlexCutsDatHam) September 15, 2013
UT JUST STUBK— elton (@shitfacedstyles) September 15, 2013
"Wlak" doesn't always get corrected, either.
you never feel how drunk you actually are until you get up and try to wlak— Bruhk Stylez (@brookestilesyo) September 14, 2013
I'm drunk but i know what im doing i just cant wlak— Mookie Cartel (@MookieCartel) August 22, 2013
Or, for that matter, "hammered":
So goddamed hamered— Crisci (@crisci96) September 15, 2013
But if you're really going to ensure maximum incoherence with minimal assistance from spellcheckers, it's best to wait until you get home, you're feeling a bit needy, you're sat in front of a keyboard, and you get ask.fm up on the screen. Go on, Matt. Go for it.
http://t.co/4AcTVr06r9 ask me stuf olesse please. Im druk and what questions— MattKellyPTS (@MattTheeRipper) September 7, 2013
September 11th, 2013
Rising: 9/11 ambivalence
9/11 didn't affect me, don't care about it.— الله (@Treflipp_) September 11, 2013
And today, 12 years on, as the consequences of the 9/11 attacks continue to play out in the Middle East and around the world, there are still countless people who see it as inconsequential, who rank its importance somewhere alongside a missing dressing gown belt or an inability to successfully grow cress.
Can everyone shut up about 9/11 please IT'S SO FUCKING BORING AND I DON'T EVEN FUCKING CARE— Lew (@LewyLew_) September 11, 2013
9/11 blah blah blah. I don't give a damn.— Renee Bethards (@Bigfluff12) September 11, 2013
Of course, tragedy plus time equals shrugs of ambivalence; you won't see me getting too worked up about the destruction of Pompeii or the brutal acts of Vlad The Impaler. But it was only 12 years ago, guys.
All this 9/11 shit is gettin a bit boring now.— Esther Cassell (@Cassellus) September 11, 2013
Blah blah blah 9/11 blah blah— Vera Queera (@pincheverga) September 11, 2013
Ideally, we should follow the example of Olivia, whose heartfelt epitaph for the survivors of 9/11 has been much retweeted this morning – albeit with reminders that the survivors actually came out of it pretty well.
rip to all the survivors of 9/11 🌹— liv (@olivialknight) September 11, 2013
September 10th, 2013
Urgently looking for woman age 60 who thinks adverts should show people her age modelling clothes #journorequest PLS RT— Carolin Mader (@caro_mad) September 10, 2013
In the past, journalists would have gone mental trying to track down a vintage wedding dress expert to answer some questions by the end of the day for a bridal feature, firstly phoning everyone in their "bulging book of contacts", then repeatedly drawing a blank and eventually ascribing a quote to someone who doesn't exist. But Twitter makes all that easy.
V last min request for a vintage wedding dress expert to answer some Qs via email by EOP for a lovely bridal feature #journorequest— Johanna Payton (@jopayton) September 10, 2013
It's one of the ten rules of Twitter: everyone knows someone who knows someone who's had a close shave with an animal attack whilst travelling abroad.
looking for someone who's had a close shave with an animal attack whilst travelling abroad #journorequest— Media Professionals (@fabulouscreate) September 10, 2013
Here you go!
@fabulouscreate I was stung by a stingray while in San Diego, n almost attacked by coyote's in the desert. Wouldn't say close shave though— Tom Bourlet (@tom_bourlet) September 10, 2013
You could say that #journorequest is a manifestation of extreme laziness, an abdication of responsibility, something you can sling on Twitter to prove that you're doing your job before firing up Candy Crush Saga for a bit until someone bothers to reply.
Looking for ski chalets/resorts in Andorra #journorequest— Cathy Adams (@Cathman) September 10, 2013
But, you know, it's not easy slinging together a couple of thousand words about a bunch of disparate and distressingly specific subjects over the course of a day
I'd like to talk to a Scots gran, mum and daughter in same family about attitudes to credit and debt. We'd take a pic too. #journorequest— Clare Johnston (@ClareS_J) September 10, 2013
I'm not convinced that anyone actually follows #journorequest. I just imagined myself doing so, sitting there, waiting for someone to tweet "Does anyone know a balding half-Welsh bloke who's a lapsed bassoon player? #journorequest" and me leaping in. Nah. #journorequest, if anything, is an apology. An admission that your initial avenues of enquiry have failed, that you're turning to Twitter for help, and that anyone who can't help should just disregard the tweet and please, please not punish you with an unfollow.