"D'you know what the score is?"
Common parlance for "Help, I'm trapped on a shopping trip and need to reassert my masculine identity in sports news!". That, or "I forgot to get that app that does the updates".
We've got you covered son. Herein lie the best sports apps for updates and alerts, fuelling your world with an endless supply of kicking the score in the line news.
Score the points!
Best for: Football stats, depth, discussion groups
Provides news, results and all the usual paraphernalia on over 100 international league and cup competitions. The amount of information curated by this app is staggering, pulling together news sources, live text commentary, radio streams and heaps of stats from media sources around the world.
Best for: Rugby World Cup, fantasy rugby
Unless you've been living in a round-ball dominated world for the last few months, you'll be aware that the Rugby World Cup is about to kick off in England. Superbru isn't a stat-heavy content machine - it's far more fun than that. Essentially a fantasy league that works on score predictions, you're able to challenge mates to predict the winner and winning margin of every World Cup game. There's also a full, 'proper' fantasy team mode, letting you build a full squad to compete in a league.
There's other sports in there too, but you'll be getting the most use out of the rugby features in the next few weeks.
Best for: Well...
...we are in no way condoning the act of watching an entire game via someone's shaky Periscope feed. Its legality is deeply questionable, and it's no way to enjoy live sport. However, the live-streaming app does open up incredible potential for seeing live feeds of people actually at the game/match/event. Last minute penalty awarded? Search Periscope for a stream and someone might well be pointing their smartphone at [insert star striker here] as he trots up to take his kick - allowing you to gain an impression of the atmosphere in the stadium.
Best for: US sports news
Should you like your sport with a slice of stars and stripes, the ESPN sports app is the clear front runner. A comprehensive round up of American football, basketball and baseball news, plus world-class coverage of just about every other sport you care to point a stick at.
Best for: Alerts
Okay, so you've probably already got this one. But have you started delving into the app's most impressive function: live alerts. The BBC has built a hugely impressive array of potential update options that fit the particulars of your favourite sport. F1 fan? Get qualifying updates, race updates and result updates. Football? Squad announcements, scores and final scores. Obvious, but brilliant.
Best for: Live sport
Call us old fashioned, but there's something special about crouching over a radio broadcast to listen to your team hold out for the win in the dying minutes of injury time. The best of the radio apps is easily TuneIn Radio, which allows you to search from thousands of web-based radio stations (including club radio broadcasts, FiveLive, TalkSport and all the other main UK stations).
Best for: Breaking coverage
So long as you're following the right accounts, Twitter will always be the quickest way of finding out how your team's doing, short of being in the stadium to watch the goals thunder in. Get yourself following a healthy list of official team accounts, fan accounts and media groups, and you'll be quicker than Jeff & co. in the Sky Sports news centre.
Sky Sports Score Centre
Best for: Comprehensive football score coverage
Twitter might be faster, but there's a chance you might miss a key scoreline in the chaos of a Twitter feed. If you long to see all the goals pouring in from every football league you care to wave an offside flag at, the Sky Sports Score Centre app is your key signing. With notifications for up to four teams, a host of sports news and the all-important VidiPrinter, you'll be glued to this little marvel when you reach the final minutes of injury time.
BT Sport App
Best for: Champions League coverage
There's a pretty big if with this one. IF you have a BT broadband account and the BT Sport subscription, the BT Sport App is going to drain your smartphone battery faster than the hopes of [insert name of newly promoted side] fans, allowing you to stream any and all games that will be appearing on the BT Sport channels - which now includes all of the Champions League. The app also provides news, video clips and a heap of social media features. If you DON'T have BT broadband, this will be a fairly defunct addition to your line up.
Best for: Sports chat
Remember forums? Those simplistic haunts of the early days of the web, uniting superfans who were otherwise judged as "obsessives" by their peers? PlayUp is a superb app offering for those of you looking to bounce sporting small talk off like-minded nutters. From football (the round one) to football (the American one), you'll find news, Q&A and forums to fill half-time here.
Football Soccer Highlights
Best for: Highlights... obviously.
Does exactly what it says: want to see an instant replay of that screamer that all-but-ensures your team will be relegated? Football Soccer Highlights will have found a Vine, GIF or replay from somewhere in the world, allowing you to break your heart with a few taps of your thumb.