Eric Greitens is running as the Republican candidate to become the next Governor of Missouri. You’re his campaign manager and you’ve been given a budget of $20 (roughly £15) to make his candidate ad. Given funds are low, you’re going to have to improvise with whatever Eric Greitens has in his house.
First thing you should know about Eric Greitens, is that Eric Greitens owns the sort of shades that let you instantly become a member of Smash Mouth. Everyone loves Smash Mouth. The opening shot should definitely be Eric Greitens popping his shades on, transforming Clark Kent-to-Superman style into a GOP candidate you can believe in. Hey now, Eric Greitens, you’re a Bronze Star, pop your shades on, go play.
Eric Greitens has also got an impressive set of over-ear headphones. These over ear headphones could make a powerful metaphorical statement. Over-ear headphones for focusing, for protecting his ears from all the lies around him, for listening to what really matters.
Eric Greitens also has an enormous Gattling gun.
Eric Greitens has a Gattling gun so enormous you have to sit down to fire it. You can’t just walk about with it in the middle of a conflict, you need to spend a good ten minutes setting it up, consulting a manual, and asking people to hold various bits of it “for a sec.” It’s a gun so enormous it seems to have it’s own Jimi-Hendrix-at-Woodstock amp.
Eric Greitens has a gun so enormous it completely negates his most-boring-man-at-a-BBQ two tone blue t-shirt and bad jeans vibe. Eric Greitens, the dad who eerily beams at everyone but wont let anyone else touch his tongs, who gets really into turning the burgers over at just the right time and has a special technique for sausages he can’t wait to tell you about, who keeps calling his son over (“Billy! Come here!”) only to ruffle his hair and immediately send him away again (“He’s a great kid!”), who only converses in platitudes about fantasy football, how swell his wife is (“Hey honey, we were just talking about you!”) and the car he drives. Eric Greitens’ wife has turned her back, the kids are playing further away, the other dads are cooing over patio furniture. He’s looking at you conspiratorially. His whole demanour has changed. “Hey,” he growls, leaning over. “Wanna see something cool?” Sure, you say.
You’re in Eric Greitens’ shed. He’s only got the most enormous Gattling gun in the world. Woah, you say, and go to touch it. He stops your hand. “Hey. You need special Smash Mouth glasses and big headphones to fire this bad boy, I’m afraid. Besides, I need it for my campaign video.” Eh? “To become the Governor of Missouri,” he says, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. “Hey, you’ve got a camera, don’t you?” Uh, yeah, you’d briefly mentioned it in passing earlier, why? “Let’s go film my ad now!” Now? “Yeah, there’s a nondescript field and a lake just over there, it’ll be perfect!” This is how you become Eric Greitens’ campaign manager.
You’re not quite sure why you’re filming Eric Greitens firing his enormous gattling in a field for his campaign video, but you are now.
You ask Eric who he’s supposed to be firing at. “Obama and Washington Democrats of course,” he says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, while he shoots round after round at nothing. “We’re under attack, you see?” You look around the empty field, confused. “They’re trying to steal another election!” Okay, you say, pressing the record button and wishing you were back at the BBQ, so you’re shooting Obama and Washington Democrats?
“Not just Obama and Washington Democrats machine, buddy! I’m setting my sights on politics!” Okay, that’s good, you can use this analogy. Setting your sights on what? “Politics as usual!” Eric Greitens is firing his enormous gun into the air to fight politics as usual. It’s certainly a maverick move, but you can’t just build a whole platform on being a maverick, what else?
“Reducing spending!” Eric Greitens yells, above the sound of expensive ammo shells falling to the ground in front of him in a huge pile.
“Creating jobs!” Fair enough, someone is going to have to pick these shells up you suppose.
“Defending the 2nd Amendment!” The right to bear arms, a particularly controversial subject at the moment, given the number of senseless shootings. You’re slightly dubious over whether Eric Greitens should just be indiscriminately firing an enormous gun for no particular reason with a blank expression while delivering this message.
“Protecting life!” Eric Greitens thinks the best way to get across his commitment to protecting life is to fire a gun, a machine specifically invented to kill people, in the general direction of the viewer at home. Eric Greitens is the man.
Okay, you say, I think we’ve got enough now. You have to shout it a couple of times because Eric Greitens is in a gun-crazed trance. He finally breaks out and just starts nodding behind him. Who is he nodding at? It doesn’t matter. You just want to get out of this field with this possessed gun nut who seems to think there’s an invisible adoring crowd behind him who are applauding him having mown down the Democrat Party, who are in the air all around him.
“I’m Eric Greitens,” says Eric Greitens, still in his post-coital gun-glow. “Let’s take back Missouri!” You spend the remaining $20 on a budget voiceover artist to just say the name ‘Eric Greitens’ over and over again for 30 seconds. A job well done. "This is great!" Exclaims Eric Greitens. "Let's do another!"