We might have killed its value by Brexiting, but by gum have we got to impose the will of the British people on the new pound. Look upon the Royal Mint’s new works, ye mighty, and despair!
No more circular roundness for our coin, previously suspiciously reminiscent of the cowardly Brussels-loving ‘Euro’, now we’ve got a twelve-sided coin that resembles the sort of commemorative tea-tray your nan might keep whiskey glasses on.
Can you feel the patriotism swelling within you? I’m about ready to take all my money out of my bank in the current pound shape and hurl them into the traitorous EU sympathising sea if it helps reduce their circulation.
But, hang on a minute, there might be a spot of admin before we can welcome our glorious new bunting tokens. The Treasury has told businesses to get ready for the new twelve-sided Queen medallion in time for it’s arrival in March 2017. All businesses will have to be ready to accept the new cash, and there’ll be a six month period in which the current pound will be phased out.
So what will this fuck up? Vending machines, for a start. This will make begrudgingly buying a 95p Lion Bar at a train station all the more galling. Thinking of reserving a pool table with your shiny new pound? Forget about it. Trying to get yourself a trolley? No dice, carry your shopping around the supermarket. Find yourself in the situation where those overpriced condom machines in pub toilets might come in handy? Put it away, bub, there’ll be no sex for you tonight.
@SkyNews Why the hell do they have to mess about. This will cost businesses millions in modification costs. No need for it!! #sillyidea
— Grumpy Stan. (@grumpyoldstan) October 31, 2016
Come to think of it, this new pound is creating more of that meddlesome red tape we were promised an escape from, and I will be boycotting it from now on. I want the blue passport back, and I want you to keep your hands off my circle pounds. This is broken Britain. I hate change. Especially loose change. Fuck off, new pound coin.