There's an art to getting people to buy your stuff online, and it's tricky to know exactly how much information to give away on the far-from-perfect item you're trying to shift.
But sometimes honesty is the best policy, especially when it's mixed with pure comedy, as this magnificent Gumtree listing for a Rover Metro 100 proves.
Titled as a 'classic fanny magnet' available for a mere £350, the owner goes on to detail how "It's earned the name 'Bonnie Tyler' as every now and then it falls apart" and informs us that there are "Shiny pedals as well as if you couldn't add any more glitz to this cabin".
Take in the listing in all its glory below - sadly, it's already been sold after just 5 days on the market - but this is a piece of creative genius which deserves to be appreciated regardless.
Welcome to the advert for my mighty 1995 metro (rover 100 series), that has been professionally turned in to a Fanny magnet by one of its previous owners. Who no doubt cruised the local youth clubs, looking for jail bait to impress with this 1100cc power house.
In 1995 longbridge workers in between Union strikes and the gentle pillaging by what ever group it was owned by then, produced this 100 series. No Doubt destined for Doris, leader of the blue rinse brigade to pop to the post office and send a telegram, or something like that. Possibly to inform her loved ones that she is still dodging the coffin.
Now after the demise of dear old Doris, and in between its 10 owners, one has decided to add a touch of "flair" to this ride.
So let's go through the car.
And Well let's not beat around the bush, it's rough as toast!! I have no doubt it's been beat and abused in its past. It's earned the name "Bonnie Tyler" as every now and then it falls apart.
It has dents, dinks and scratches. Back arches are crusty like a lads genitals, after returning from a Magaluf weekender. The paint is blue in colour and is a bit mehhh!!! And the paint was applied possibly with ghandis flip flop.
It has a broken mirror, and it has the obligatory shopping list on the doors and bumper. They must have left the list at home as none of those items are fitted.
It's fitted with a boot spoiler that lets other drivers know your cars "fast init!!" And allow the local chavs to admire and say "nuff respect". I can not see any other reason for the spoiler to be honest. I'm guessing the roof Ariel would possibly create more down force than that bit of a plinth on the back.
Wheels have been ghetto painted black to make the car look like a bruise, with its blue and black colour scheme.
But on the plus side it is all roughly one colour.
Now let's go inside, yet more stickers of Brands!!!! None of which are present. Guessing the owners dreams were bigger than their budget.
The left over paint has now been spread over dash parts, and then subsequently covered in licky sticky back plastic. ( carbon effect), like some limp blue peter attempt at pimping rides. A imitation boost gauge is mounted on the dash. This is purely to make the lads think this car is a turbo, and for the driver to check what time the school girls finish so he can drop a gear out side the playground. All impressive like.
Inside is filthy and seats have stains from all the young benefits backed, big gold hooped earrings, kappa track suit clad punnani, you know the type of lass that would get fingered for flump, that this baller has been banging round the back of the local high rise flats in this modified basket case.
It has no radio, it's got a shiny gear knob that makes those chicken wing gear changes feel awesome, as you pull a 10 second quarter mile on route to their dealer. Shiny pedals as well as if you couldn't add any more glitz to this cabin.
Now the motor..... Is actually alright it starts first turn and sounds pretty sweet and ran pretty good on the way home. Except it's fitted with a ASBO loud exhaust. It sounds sporty if sporty sounds like a drill Sargent shouting in a traffic cone.
But all the fluids are there surprisingly.
A previous owner in all his/her limited wisdom, had for some god only known reason (guessing it's performance enhancing) has painted the manifold red, and managed to over spray this also covers the alternator and block.
The car has been "stanced" by lowering the ride height. Judging by the other craftsmanship carried out on this car, I doubt they have been individualised. More along the lines of they let the fluid out for the ultimate in ghetto tuning.
The car drove surprisingly well, gear changes was good it stopped alright, and the ride wasn't that bad.
The car has MOT till September, the certificate is missing though, but check on line. The registration is M898 WWR ( I'm guessing WWR means "wheely wank rover")
I have the v5 and the key and that's it. The car is located in West Bromwich. I live 50 mile away, so if you want to view we need to talk first.
Car falls in to the classic car band so cheap insurance. Buying this car and insuring it is less than a quote I got to insure a 1.1 saxo. Long MOT, I reckon even Martin Lewis would say this is cheap motoring. So grab yourself a bargain, And message for more details if needed.
Don't come pointing out even more faults on the car that I may have missed, all you will receive is a slow and condescending clap and a "well done". It's been described to the best of my knowledge which is very little...
And no warranty implied or given, I will say a prayer for you though as you leave if that's any use.
Please for me to say but not for you to hear but it's sold now but I do have another metro that's not as Barry but it's cheap.