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Angry, cynical child takes down Santa with hilarious and brutal letter

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Mike Rampton
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Awesomely cynical child wipes the floor with Santa 2

“Deer Santa,
Can i hav a ponee for crismas please.
also a dolly and some chockolate and sweetys.
i hav bean a good boiy this yeaer.
thank you Santa i love you”

Your dad wrote that, because he’s an idiot. It took him ages. But kids writing letters to Santa is one of the most charming, adorable festive traditions, right up there with leaving a carrot out for Rudolph and eating your whole advent calendar on 1 December.

One six-year-old boy in America isn’t going in for the whole heartwarming side of it, though. No sucking up to Saint Nicholas for this kid:

Awesomely cynical child wipes the floor with Santa

A translation:

“Dear Santa,
Santa I’m only doing this
for the class. I know
your notty list is emty. And
your good list is emty. And
your life is emty. You dont
know the troubles Ive
had in my life. Good
bye.
love
I’m not telling you my name
(something massive and completely indecipherable)”

This kid’s seen through the Matrix and is taking no shit. He’s questioning the authority not just of his parents, but of a goddamn saint. Even misspelled, “Your life is empty” is a hell of a blow. Like, there’s not believing in Santa and then there’s fucking destroying him. 

His mother, who shared the image, is a reporter for NPR, and is rightfully delighted of her skeptical son. She also points out something fairly important:

That’s good news, because he made it sound a bit like he was a battle-scarred war veteran or something, constantly reliving his experiences in an Iraqi prison and incapable of enjoying a simple wholesome experience like Christmas without shuddering as his mind takes him back to that fucked-up time. Nah, turns out he’s just got a brother who gives him grief.

In amongst all the skulls and wreaths there’s a hidden, haunting detail:

Awesomely cynical child wipes the floor with Santa 1

“Die”, he’s written on the mailbox.

Die, Santa.

Your life is empty.

Jesus Christ. This kid is cold-blooded. If Santa was alive, this would kill him. He’s dead though, of course, having been killed 32 years ago by this other kid’s flawless detective skills:

(Image: iStock)

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Mike Rampton

Mike Rampton will be a ghost one day. A really big one.

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