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New calculator tells you whether you'd survive a nuclear bomb

Hint: nil

New calculator tells you whether you'd survive a nuclear bomb
23 January 2017

Between an egotistical maniac with his tiny hands near the US nuclear codes and a prime minister being particularly sketchy about wayward missiles from the UK, a nuclear disaster is probably* more likely than it was a year ago.

The big question is if it did happen, would you survive it? Probs not, but just in case potential survival is top of your priority list right now, you might want to consider moving to the suburbs.

Thankfully, there’s a handy website that calculates your odds of surviving in terms of distance from a bomb, from being totally incinerated where you stand to burning the flesh off your bones and dying in excruciating pain.

Here’s how far you would need to be from the epicentre to survive a nuclear bomb (one a bit smaller than the ones Trump and Putin have access to) hitting major cities in the UK and Europe:


Summary: From zones one to five you’re totally fried, while you have a slight chance if you live on the edges of zone six (e.g. Epping)

Safe zones: Get yourself to Surrey, Slough, Welwyn Garden City, Harlow and Southend On Sea. 


Summary: Obliterated almost halfway to Glasgow.

Safe zones: Whitburn, West Linton, North Berwick and beyond. And Stirling, for the first time ever. 


Summary: You’d be toast melba. 

Safe zones: The Brecan Beacons, and Bristol which you’d probably be blown to anyway. 


Summary: Even the sea can’t save you. 

Safe zones: Portadown, Ballymena, Downpatrick and beyond.


Summary: Bordel du merde.

Safe zones: Chantilly, Meux, Meaux, Ramboillet and the appropriately named Bombon.  


Summary: Bernin’. 

Safe zones: Potsdown, Nauen, Oranienburg and Furstenwalde.


Summary: More ruined than what the Brits did to Magaluf. 

Safe zones: Aranjuez, Callado Villalba and Guadalajara, where you can drown your survivors guilt in tequila.

Developer Britton Matthews said he developed the site by himself over a weekend five years ago to prove his boss wrong, because there really is no surviving nuclear war.

*not definitely, don’t quote us on it.