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Finally we have an answer to why humans don’t have penis bones

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Sam Diss
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Look down at your dick (if you have one) and marvel: here is a hideous appendage that is bringer of life, hanger of towels. They are inherently ridiculous and very important to the survival of our terrible species. But for decades there has remained one question – while we have boners, in our penis, there is no bone: why?

Now we have an answer. Sort of.

The baculum, or penis bone, has been referred to as the most diverse bone of all, subject to more rapid evolution than any other form in nature. Many animals have them – that up there is the 22-inch long dick bone of a walrus – as well as human’s recent ancestors like chimps and bonobos, happily diddling away at these structures from jungle sunrise to jungle sunset, smoking fags, but we do not – and the answer is simple: they are polygamous animals whereas humans aren’t.

This is a fox's dick bone.

Dig, if you will, the picture: much like your uncle forewarned, this appears to be a case of “use it or lose it”. As The Verge put it, “After tracing the evolution of the penis bone through 27 generations, the researchers found that polygamous species have much thicker penis bones than monogamous species, which supports the idea that the bacula is important for those who need to have more sex.”

There may also be a case for humans having far more consensual sex than is generally found in nature – if you’ve seen Planet Earth, you know what we mean – and therefore would not need the “added stability” of a broom handle-y dong.

There’s also, according to The Economist, “a clear [relationship] between the bone’s length and a species’ promiscuity: more promiscuous species had longer bacula.” 

Polygamy in nature is not merely a case of males looking to make up for their low self-esteem by playing fuckabout and is a vital tenet of survival: this is not a community built on stability and healthcare; this is one where everything is trying to eat/kill you all the time and, yeah, if you do not bang, you are probably gonna die. And also, to really hammer home the goods, these animals do it for a long-ass time and sometimes need a little help in “hanging in there” whereas human males have apparently evolved past the need to have mammoth fuck-seshs with the average man ejac-ing in around two minutes.

So that’s why you don’t have one. You’re welcome.

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Sam Diss

The Associate Editor of New Projects at ShortList, Sam enjoys making up words to annoy editors, writing features about sports, music, weird things, and cool people, and listening to Mark Morrison's 'Return Of The Mack'. He's also a fairly capable centreback. Follow Sam on Twitter: @SamDiss

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