Is there any food in the vicinity? You're going to want to move it. And possibly fetch a bucket - anything to catch the projectiles this list of awful, sick and wrong moments is going to induce.
As Ted 2 is released, here are cinema’s 20 greatest gag-inducing scenes.
Hair gel
There’s Something About Mary (1998)
The Farrelly brothers’ bad-taste classic contains an embarrassment of gross-out riches, but its most famous scene sees Cameron Diaz mistake Ben Stiller’s semen for hair gel and pop it into her own ’do. Whether or not it works – or even supplies a little texture – we’ve not tested, and nor do we intend to.
Gag rating: 3/5
Roadkill
Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
Tom Green’s comedy/Dadaist provocation was gross-out gags and little else, but nothing in it tops the moment when he dons the skin of a recently-killed dear and dances around to the strains of I’d Like To Teach The World To Sing. Is that what Don Draper had in mind at the end of Mad Men?
Gag rating: 2/5
Food Poisoning
Bridesmaids (2011)
Having a dose of food poisoning yourself is a terrible, scarring tragedy, but seeing someone else suffer from it can often be funnier than a clown in a banana skin factory – as witnessed in this hilarious scene, where the trying-on of wedding dresses descends into mass loose-bowelled anarchy.
Gag rating: 3/5
Marky Mark and the spunky bunch
Ted 2 (2015)
You won’t have seen this yet, but when you do, you’ll agree it deserves its spot here. It involves sperm samples and Mark Wahlberg doing a Frank Spencer impression. It makes watching a teddy bear have sex with a woman seem tame.
Gag rating: 3/5
Lard Ass Hogan
Stand By Me (1986)
Puke, in a coming-of-age drama with the cuddliest of reps. It’s in a story told by one of the main foursome, about a chubby kid who gets revenge on his bullies by throwing up on them at a pie-eating contest. The guy who played Lard Ass also has a charming website: andylindberg.com.
Gag rating: 3/5
The Judge
Nothing But Trouble (1991)
Dan Aykroyd’s misguided directorial debut features one of the most off-putting dinner scenes in film history, and Aykroyd is caked in make-up where his nose is inexplicably made to look like a penis. Trivia corner: this was Tupac Shakur’s film debut – he appears with Digital Underground.
Gag rating: 2/5
Coffee
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
We’re not saying it’s impossible someone could mistake a stool sample for coffee, even in the not-exactly documentary reality of Austin Powers – we’re just saying it’s very, very unlikely. Nutty, even.
Gag rating: 3/5
Mr Creosote
Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life (1983)
For all their intelligent, meta stuff that became fodder for irritating conversations in common rooms across the world, the Monty Python team weren’t above throwing a bit of puke onscreen. Or, in this case, a lot, as a bloated restaurant patron eats, pukes and finally explodes, prompting an outbreak of mass vomiting, the likes of which is usually only seen in Cardiff on a Friday night.
Gag rating: 2/5
Drinking semen
American Pie (1999)
We’re not sure what set of real circumstances would lead to someone ejaculating into a beer cup, but whatever – so the obnoxious Stifler ends up drinking a cold one with a jism chaser. Side note: there is no better time portal to 1999 than with this film’s soundtrack.
Gag rating: 5/5
Accidental necrophilia
Clerks (1994)
Kevin Smith left his sappy side at home in his low-budget debut when he resolved a love triangle by having one of its corners accidentally have sex with a corpse in a bathroom. Mercifully, this happens off-screen.
Gag rating: 1/5
The Landlady
Kingpin (1996)
A very, very pre-True Detective Woody Harrelson sleeps with his landlady in
lieu of paying rent. The real question is, who sees a casting call for ‘hideous old landlady’ and thinks, “Yep, that’s me”?
Gag rating: 2/5
Naked wrestling
Borat (2006)
Never had your face non-consensually forced into the folds of a fat man’s bum crack? Baby, you haven’t lived. Sacha Baron Cohen has, though, and this scene – where he fights producer Azamat for an uncomfortably long time over his Pamela Anderson magazine, while they’re both wearing nothing but deodorant – is conclusive proof.
Gag rating: 4/5
The worst toilet in Scotland
Trainspotting (1996)
Danny Boyle’s Nineties classic may have its dark moments emotionally, but its grimmest moment physically comes when a no-longer constipated Renton has to use a truly horrendous WC – and take a dip into it when he loses his suppositories. It may not be a comedy, but if 1996 had a funnier moment onscreen, we’d like to see it.
Gag rating: 4/5
The eyeball
Evil Dead 2 (1987)
This horror comedy classic sees a beastie’s head caught in a door, sending its eye hurtling across the room and into the mouth of a screaming woman. If we could type the ‘just right’ emoji, it would go here.
Gag rating: 2/5
The Poo Cocktail
Jackass 3D (2010)
The Jackass boys moved the gross-out genre into reality TV. Even Steve O seemed to have reservations about being strapped in a full Porta Potty on the end of a bungee cord and flung into the air. Still did it, mind.
Gag rating: 4/5
"I'm a zit"
National Lampoon’s Animal House (1978)
Tame by today’s standards, Animal House was a landmark in gross-out history. Case in point: John Belushi filling his mouth with mashed potato and smashing his cheeks to impersonate a spot.
Gag rating: 1/5
Boat Race
I Love You, Man (2009)
Let’s take a trip to Realisticland, population: Paul Rudd. After a beer-drinking race, the actor your girlfriend secretly wishes you were throws up his brews straight in Jon Favreau’s face. And yet still manages to remain preposterously handsome afterwards. How is that possible?
Gag rating: 3/5
The Blister
Run Fatboy Run (2007)
Simon Pegg gets the mother of all blisters on his foot in this running-related Britcom directed by, of all people, David Schwimmer. In a bid to selflessly help out his friend, it falls to greatest living Irishman Dylan Moran to pop the ghastly thing, and unfortunately all he gets is a face full of pus for his trouble. All the more horrifying for being so nightmarishly believable.
Gag rating: 4/5
The Tongue
Dumb & Dumber (1994)
The sequel may have made us sad, but the original is full of choice moments – such as when Jeff Daniels gets his tongue stuck to an icy ski lift, and Lauren Holly has to wrench him off.
Gag rating: 1/5
The dog
Happiness (1998)
Todd Solondz’s bleak comedy is on a mission to repulse, nailing it when a teenage boy does what teenage boys do, then his output is licked up by a dog, then his mother gives the dog a kiss.
Gag rating: 5/5
