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Donald Trump is a man who gets his steak well done and eats it with ketchup.
Donald Trump is a man who eats his pizza crust first.
Donald Trump, the 45th President of the United States, is a man who does things... differently.
The latest Donald Trump revelation? The terrifying way he wears his watch.
Look at it.
Heaving.
Struggling.
Gasping.
Surely he must feel it?
It’s cutting into his arm like a tightly-strung up hunk of raw pork.
Imagine the smell it leaves when he takes it off.
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Obviously people had a lot of takes on the matter – including a very convincing theory about hand-size.
So yeah, Trump likes to string his body up like a joint of meat. Like a magician with a balloon animal. It’s almost like he’s an amorphous glob of fluid with no actual structural integrity trying to force his alien body into the shape of a regular humanoid so that he can seize power, run humanity into the ground and then return to his home planet as a hero and a conqueror. Almost.

Carl Anka is a London-born journalist, former Shortlist contributor, and broadcaster who believes that everything deep down is a wrestling storyline. You Are A Champion, co-written with England International footballer and child food poverty campaigner, Marcus Rashford, is Carl’s debut novel (published by Macmillan Children’s Books, 2021). A follow up, You Can Do It, was released in July 2022. He has written for BBC, the Guardian, VICE, NME, GQ and BuzzFeed among other publications online and in print and specialises in writing about pop culture, video games, films and football. He is currently a reporter for sports media group The Athletic and resides in Manchester.