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Take over the world? No way! Boston Dynamics robots just want to parkour, man!

First a log, then the world

Take over the world? No way! Boston Dynamics robots just want to parkour, man!
12 October 2018

Thing about robots is, well, they’re evil, aren’t they? They’re bad evil bastards and they’re going to murder or at least enslave us all one day - it’s been programmed into their brains from the very start. 

Just a calculator, is it? WHOOPS it’s frazzled your brain. Ooh, what a lovely laptop you have there. ZAM! Head’s gone. Hey, check out my new Casio watch. BOINK! It’s yanked your spine out your mouth. Don’t trust ‘em.

Apart from maybe this one. The one good, pure robot on this planet:

It just wants to jump over logs and up boxes and stuff. Just let it run and jump around - Jerry, the parkour robot, causing no harm, leave him alone. 

Look at him there, leaping and bounding like a dog off the leash - having an absolute funfair with it, he is. According to his makers, Boston Dynamics:

“The control software uses the whole body including legs, arms and torso, to marshal the energy and strength for jumping over the log and leaping up the steps without breaking its pace. (Step height 40 cm.) Atlas [erm, it’s Jerry] uses computer vision to locate itself with respect to visible markers on the approach to hit the terrain accurately”

Of course, once he’s learned to jump over logs and bounce off boxes like a metal Jackie Chan, suppose it’s not long before he picks up a knife and comes after us with it. And good luck getting away from him - especially if you’re in the woods, cos there ain’t no log that’s gonna stop that thing. 

Actually, scrap what we said - he’s not “good”, he’s not “pure”, he’s evil, the violence is just dormant within his shell - that thing is just waiting for the chance to jam a big knife down the back of your neck. Kill him now, rip his head off before he can jump over any more logs. Pull his legs out, smash his chest, set fire to his arms - he must be stopped lest we want to be factory-farmed by a horde of remorseless metallic sentients using our blood to power their pistons. Murder innocent, playful Jerry, and murder him immediately.

Or at least give him a fat wedgie - he’s doing parkour, the big nerd.

(Image: Getty)