Tracking the soaring stocks and junk bonds of social media, helping you to invest carefully and speculate wisely. (By Rhodri Marsden)
Possibly the most oddly curated compilation album I've ever seen: 'Dad Rocks!' - a Father's Day suggestion on iTunes twitter.com/GeoffLloyd/sta…— Geoff Lloyd (@GeoffLloyd) June 12, 2013
Rising: "Need coffee"
If you're tired – which you are, because everyone is – tweeting your desire for coffee conveys that message very nicely. It also communicates a certain air of sophistication, because coffee is a sexy drink, unless you're intending to lob a teaspoon of no-frills instant into an "I Visited Ravenglass & Eskdale Steam Railway" mug and pour boiling water on it, in which case coffee is a shit drink. But no, these people will definitely be getting a proper coffee. You know, the kind people drink in coffee adverts.
I just need coffee.— Midwest Sass ✝✞ (@TheSassyGirl__) June 11, 2013
Need coffee!— Ambicltd (@Ambicltd1) June 11, 2013
Because proper coffee is desirable, seductive. Much more so than a Pro Plus tablet.
Need coffee.— Ria (@Br00klynFerrari) June 11, 2013
Coffee is so alluring that when people tweet that they need some, you can't help but wonder what they've been doing that's made them quite so tired. I reckon it will have been intense and aspirational.
I need pro plus— 基倫 (@kezwbu) June 4, 2013
I need coffee— bella (@bobellabo) June 11, 2013
Need coffee...— permana_desti (@permana_desti) June 11, 2013
None of these people ever considered tweeting "So utterly devoid of energy that I fell asleep on the bus and a load of dribble congealed on a crease in my neck."
I Need Coffee.... X— Rayne Williams(@Rayni104) June 11, 2013
Oh, look, men also need coffee:
I need coffee ☕— LΣ'RΣβLΣH'ت(@FollowRebleh) June 11, 2013
Need coffee...— Robbie Goodman (@RobbieJG93) June 11, 2013
Need. Coffee.— Andrew Jones (@ajlondonuk) June 11, 2013
And if you're Maci Bookout, MTV star of the show "16 And Pregnant", and you say you need coffee, more than 300 people will retweet your need of coffee. Whoah.
Need coffee— Ian Baxendale (@IBaxendale) June 11, 2013
Might put the kettle on.
exhausted. need coffee.— Maci Bookout (@MaciBookoutMTV) June 10, 2013
Falling: "Lazy Royal parodies"
Someone has even gathered all the satirical energy they can muster in order to repeatedly replace the words "I am" with "one is" on a Wallis Simpson parody account. Go Twitter!
One cannot understand why people aren't taking Kim Jong-un seriousry.— Prince Charles (@Charles_HRH) April 4, 2013
Prince Phillip is currently in hospital. This gives the operator of @HRH_PrincePhil the opportunity to post a load of tweets that replace the word "I" with "one".
The sun is out, One is on the terrace G&T in hand. Chin chin darlings.— Mrs.W.Simpson (@MrsWSimpson) May 26, 2013
Pick a royal, any royal, and you can guarantee that someone will be posting some half-arsed humour with the word "I" substituted with "one". Or "my" with "one's". Or both.
Yes, one will be selling ones 'video' from this morning to the highest bidder. May ask that Tulisa chav for advice...... #PhilDeathWatch— HRH Prince Philip (@HRH_PrincePhil) June 7, 2013
When one heard of the new royal heir, one thought someone was talking about one's beehive!— Princess Anne (@HRHPrincessAnne) December 5, 2012
Thing is, I've never even heard anyone actually use "one" instead of "I" in this way, except when they're taking the piss out of someone posh. Sure, "one" is a pronoun that the British have decided is overly formal, but it's a third-person pronoun. Us proles get out of using it by saying the word "you" instead. Not "I". So the joke doesn't even work. And yet people continue to be tickled by it. Mystifying.
One thinks Bonnie should have mimed....oh dear.#eurovision— Prince Andrew (@PrinceAndrew_uk) May 18, 2013
Oh, knack off.
Westminster Abbey, one is in you.— Elizabeth Windsor (@Queen_UK) June 4, 2013
Falling: "News that can't yet be announced"
Twitter tends to give us an artificially inflated sense of our own importance. The fact that we blast mini-brainfarts into the ether and people occasionally deign to reply DOES tend to give the impression that those people care deeply about the trajectory of our existence. But in the most part, they don’t. They’re just momentarily distracted by it. Good news might be welcomed, sure. But if you tell people that there will shortly be news, but you can’t tell them what it is, that’s beyond uninteresting. It’s like telling people that you’re wearing socks.
I've got some pretty amazing news, very unexpected and surprising. Can't say what it is as I'm not allowed but will let you know as soon as!— David Harewood (@DavidHarewood) November 29, 2011
But the person who tweets about their socks isn’t expecting anyone to gasp in amazement, or ask them what colour they are, or to send telegrams of congratulation. The people below, however, want your attention, right now, even though they haven’t got anything to tell you.
I'm wearing socks— Gage Oberling (@Gage_Oberling) June 5, 2013
I just got the most amazing news.I can't tell you anything about it, but I can say I have the best publicist in the world, @therubpr <3 !— Julie Simone (@juliesimone7) May 5, 2012
Drinking on a wednesday night to celebrate some *amazing* news that I can't tell you about. Let's just say my career is on an upward spiral.— Chris (@crk5) June 6, 2012
Got some amazing news that I’m super excited for but I can’t tell y’all until Thursday. Hehe sorry ☺— Brooke Coleman (@brookiecoleman) August 27, 2012
I just got some amazing news but I can't tell u till just yet. Stay tuned!— Marni Wing Girl (@winggirlmethod) December 14, 2012
I have such fantastic news but can't tell all just yet. :)— Anne Betenson (@AnneBetenson) May 30, 2013
Even people who I like do it. In fact, someone I like did it yesterday. I was appalled. And you’d be appalled, too, if I embedded the tweets. But I can’t tell you who it is yet.
Got some amazing news yesterday.Can't say what it is yet, but just trust when I say is never give up on your dreams.— Lisa Dank (@LisaDank) June 1, 2013
Rising: "Boy band members"
@harry_styles did you know todays my 18th birthday and it'd mean the whole world to me if you wished me happy birthday 😊— ¡natattack! (@omgnarry) May 31, 2013
Now, at the moment I can see that #shhhh is trending. I immediately assumed that this was because everyone's attempting to draw a veil of secrecy over the names of the two adulterers whose affair could land David Cameron in a vat of boiling prosecco, but that's because I live in some vile London media bubble. In fact, it's trending because Tom out of The Wanted demanded it.
Revealing details of the clothing line today..who's excited?!? Lets get this trending...it's a clue ;) #shhhh— Thomas Parker (@TomTheWanted) June 3, 2013
I've been wishing harder than you can imagine that Tom from The Wanted is actually launching a range of clothes lines, shortly to expand into clothes horses, but sadly it appears to be a fashion label. Ah well. Apparently these garments are available to buy worldwide:
Remember, it's available to buy WORLDWIDE!!— Thomas Parker (@TomTheWanted) June 3, 2013
His fans have, somewhat predictably, gone mental over this news:
@tomthewanted it's my birthday x— ♡ MA BIRTHDAY ♡ (@thewantedbones) June 3, 2013
@tomthewanted Thomas, it's my birthday today! :D hinthint :D— Birthday Girl♥(@EmmakinsXx) June 3, 2013
@tomthewanted PLEASE TWEET ME TOM, ITS MY BIRTHDAY— IT'S MY BIRTHDAY (@gemparkertw) June 3, 2013
#mygirlfriendnotallowedto drink milkshakes cause then she gonna bring all the boys to the yard and ima have to kill her.— D/\$E/\N (@Regular_Steez) June 4, 2013
#mygirlfriendnotallowedto not allowed to shave unless we gunna kick it, she don't need to clear the jungle unless its for the "Lion King"— Jalen (@notevenflexxin_) June 4, 2013
And of course the whole thing is moving into the realms of satire, but is it funny? Let's ask Cath Janes:
#mygirlfriendnotallowedto get cute when she leaving the house without me. You better put on some damn sweatpants & a bonnet.— Voni (@TheKidVoni) June 4, 2013
Well, indeed. Of course, if you're on Twitter and you wish to be reminded of the kind of behaviour women have to put up with, you need go no further than @EverydaySexism (which is currently fundraising.) It does a remarkable job, but it's relentless. I had to guiltily unfollow a while back because it was making me massively depressed. Meanwhile, @pigsatwork is a new account (6 followers at time of writing) which catalogues the sexist utterances of five men (V, W, X, Y and Z) in one office building. For some reason I found this an even more powerful illustration of sexism than @EverydaySexism, perhaps because a) it's the experience of just one person, and b) it highlights the kind of bullshit that men say to each other all the time – the kind where if you pulled them up on it they'd say "What? What's the matter? What's wrong with that?"
If you think #mygirlfriendnotallowedto is funny then you have as a much value to society as spaff-soaked roadkill festering in the sun.— Cath Janes (Kraken) (@cathjanes) June 4, 2013
Guy Y's life logic: “No matter how old you are, you always wanna shag an 18 year old girl”— A Stounded (@pigsatwork) June 4, 2013
Guy X tips when the flooding of Europe cancels a friend's euro cycling trip: "You can still shag a load of prossies"— A Stounded (@pigsatwork) June 4, 2013
Men. For crying out loud.
Guy Y, after spotting a new female employee: “Have seen the new one upstairs?”— A Stounded (@pigsatwork) June 4, 2013