Tracking the soaring stocks and junk bonds of social media, helping you to invest carefully and speculate wisely. (By Rhodri Marsden)
Rising: Jamie Oliver's tongue
Smilers! My VMA performance had 306.000 tweets per minute. That's more than the blackout or Superbowl! #fact.— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) August 26, 2013
It doesn't matter that the vast majority of those tweets were asking why on earth she appeared from a door in the front of a giant bear while wearing bra and pants and with her tongue sticking out. She'll shift units, man. It's all that matters. Which brings us to Jamie Oliver, who's coincidentally aired some controversial views on the eating habits of poorer families in the UK just as his new TV series is about to air. Lucky timing.
There are innumerable reasons to find Jamie Oliver irritating, not least his ability to criticise our eating habits while pocketing corporate dollar for advertising food you could describe as unwholesome. Or the liner notes for this compilation album of shit songs to play while you're cooking. Or advocating the preparation of food from scratch while using pre-made sauces in his Glasgow restaurant that were made on an industrial estate 400 miles away in Bicester. But one thing seems to annoy people about Jamie Oliver more than anything else, and that's his lisp.
'and Jamie Oliver is trending 'cause he's "the bethst awound"— Kayleigh Kokkinos (@kokkinossays) August 27, 2013
And this kind of thing bugs me beyond belief. There's someone on telly you don't like, a whole heap of sound reasons to give them a verbal kicking, but you choose to highlight their inability to pronounce sibilants.
Jamie Oliver has a fat tongue. End of.— kate o'flaherty (@KateOflaherty) August 27, 2013
I don't know what Jamie Oliver has said but I'm sure it was probably said with massive tongue in massive cheek— Guy (@guy_parsons) August 27, 2013
It's not as if it's his fault. I mean, I suppose he could conceivably have undertaken speech therapy classes or had a series of operations on his mouth, but the BASTARD DIDN'T SEE FIT TO DO IT, DID HE.
Jamie Oliver in being a bell end shocker. I cannot stand him and his oversized tongue.— Simon Richardson (@simonr555) August 27, 2013
Now, I probably wouldn't choose the sound of someone lisping their way through a salsa recipe as one of my Desert Island Discs, but I'd probably stop short of advising them to cut their tongue out and feed it to the needy.
Oh just fuck off Jamie Oliver you ridiculously annoying arse. Maybe you could donate your tongue to a poor family, it'd feed them for weeks.— scotty mason (@scottfish75) August 27, 2013
The same thing happens whenever Lembit Opik behaves like an arse, which is frequently. You have at your disposal a sumptuous range of reasons for disliking the guy, but you point out that he's got a wonky mouth. Oh, and look, Jamie's got a big tongue.
Maybe Jamie Oliver could use an overhead projector on his tongue as a cheap alternative to a widescreen tv— Dark Beige (@DarkBeige) August 27, 2013
Obviously Jamie Oliver would prefer it if the poor had small TVs so they wouldn't have to see his stupid fat mockney tongue in any detail.— Lino (@linopolis) August 27, 2013
The odd thing about all this is that Twitter (or at least the version of Twitter I read) is rigorously policed by people who pull up others for their sexist, racist or ableist language, and yet tweets about Jamie Oliver's massive tongue just seem to drift up the timeline unquestioned. Celebrated, even.
Amazed how Jamie Oliver seems to have been able to put his foot in his mouth - there isn't even enough room for his tongue.— James Martin (@Pundamentalism) August 27, 2013
So I thought I'd just strike a small blow against lispism. Job done. But I make no apology for Jamie Oliver's lamb curry song.
Rising: Matt Damon could be Robin
Almost eclipsing the Affleck / Batman news was the initially mildly amusing suggestion that Matt Damon should be cast as Robin. I've just spent about 20 minutes scrolling back through Twitter to find out who first made this pithyish observation, but I only got back about 4 hours in the timeline, by which time an additional 570 people had suggested that Matt Damon might play Robin. But this gives us the perfect opportunity to reflect upon a truly multinational gag. It's now been made in Mexico, Sweden, Peru, Singapore, Malaysia:
#CuentaLaLeyendaQue Matt Damon no quiere ser Robin.— Xortdan (@luidanher) August 23, 2013
Bara vi inte ser Matt Damon som Robin...— Hassan Alavi (@HassanAlavi) August 23, 2013
ya me enteré de lo de Ben Affleck. con suerte, eso quiere decir que Matt Damon será Robin— Marco Sifuentes (@ocram) August 23, 2013
@sydabaim aku 50/50. Dah terbayang matt damon jadi robin haha— Dzulaiqha Aiesya (@Daiesya) August 23, 2013
Indonesia, Finland, Spain, France, Sweden:
Nah. RT @pdyanti: kalo batman nya ben affleck jangan bilang robin nya matt damon. duh— Agatha R. Tambunan (@gathoRT) August 23, 2013
@Joenrinne No joo. Clint Eastwood on varmaan Teräsmies. Ja Matt Damon on Robin. Blah.— Visa Högmander (@visahogmander) August 23, 2013
Venga, Ben Affleck de Batman y Matt Damon de Robin, como en los viejos tiempos.— ¡Jaime Rubio! (@JaimeRubio) August 23, 2013
Tu vas voir que Matt Damon sera Robin. LOL— Bastien d'Abbadie (@jeanpaultarte) August 23, 2013
Kommer Matt Damon spela Robin? #Batfleck— joakim a lindström (@joakimlindstrom) August 23, 2013
The Phillipines, The Netherlands, Germany, USA, Turkey,
Wait. Since Ben Affleck is Batman, does that mean Matt Damon gets to be Robin?— Richard Almeda (@docrefa) August 23, 2013
Matt Damon dan maar Robin? @abzagt— Martin Koolhoven (@MartinKoolhoven) August 23, 2013
Wird Matt Damon dann Robin? #Batman— Rated Kay (@_RatedKay) August 23, 2013
Nigga said Matt Damon is playing Robin lmfaoooooooo— Christiaan (@CrisNotChris) August 23, 2013
Ben Affleck Batman olacaksa Matt Damon da Robin mi olacak?— Baran (@barankse) August 23, 2013
The United Kingdom, Hungary, Brazil, Norway, Israel and many more.
The person most disappointed by the Ben Affleck news is Matt Damon, as he is now legally required to play Robin.— James Martin (@Pundamentalism) August 23, 2013
@bruzsy akkor lehetne Matt Damon Robin.— Lukács Attila (@lukacsattila) August 23, 2013
Ben Affleck vai ser o Batman. legal. e o Robin, vai ser interpretado pelo Matt Damon?— Kelly Cristine (@KellyCriss) August 23, 2013
Kan han ikke bare ta med seg Matt Damon som Robin så blir det perfekt.— Ina Inglingstad (@myldretid) August 23, 2013
If Ben Affleck is the new Batman, does that mean Matt Damon will be cast as Robin?— Aussie Dave (@Israellycool) August 23, 2013
William Hill's current odds on Matt Damon being cast as Robin are 25/1.
When you post your symptoms on Twitter, you do so in the hope that a load of people will reassure you that it's nothing, that you have nothing whatsoever to worry about.
My arm hurts so freakin bad.— Jón Quiggenhöffer (@JQuigley42) August 21, 2013
I have a rash on my belly— ashley (@nilbogashley) August 21, 2013
I CAN'T MOVE MY LEGS— ❣Gabrielle❣ (@GabbyDunDun) August 21, 2013
Having trouble breathing right now.— * Princess * (@AsdfghjklThis) August 21, 2013
My vision is so fricken blurry right now.— EdgarFucking Santana (@edgarsantana01) August 21, 2013
I can't lay down, it hurts when I lay down I can only sit up and I have this weird feeling in my chest and throat like something's burning— BIG GUWWWAAAAPPP (@DannyWondimu) August 21, 2013
Although occasionally it's just an attempt to get sympathy:
@Harry_Styles my head hurts— vanessa (@stylespolaroid) August 21, 2013
@Harry_Styles I can't move my neck, I'm in pain, wanna tweet me babeeeee— THIS IS US (@_OneDirection_) August 21, 2013
@Harry_Styles My stomach Hurts :'(— Marcel ❤ (@_busybee123_) August 21, 2013
@Harry_Styles i have a rash on my face help— nicoleslaw (@maydayharry) August 16, 2013
Anyway, the point is that One Direction's Harry Styles, for all his undisputed talent as a perfectly-toothed pop moppet, has no medical qualifications to speak of. He can't help. And nor can most people on Twitter. The best you can hope for is solidarity:
@Dylanherzog I had that once. Feels like dying— Tyler Herzog (@tylerherzog) August 20, 2013
The worst you can expect is ridicule:
@skody7 you're going to die hahaha— Brody Palmer (@BrodySPalmer) August 21, 2013
But there's only one piece of advice worth following:
@thebigfatlady omg maybe u should see your doctor i guess?— (@5SOS_Bitchez) August 20, 2013
@PrettyCool_Ki call your doctor— Beyonce #1fan India (@indialove2tweet) August 21, 2013
@callmeveebee Maybe you should see your doctor.— j.c.smith (@cliche_mist) August 17, 2013
@71steve74 I would suggest making an appointment to see your GP.— NHS Manchester CCGs (@NHSinManchester) August 16, 2013