Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation
Top

A man called Wayne from Manchester has been tipped as the new Bond

BOND.jpeg

Imagine it. For ten seconds, just imagine being 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester. 

You see, 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester has just experienced something that every man dreams of. He's just lived a moment that will come to be the greatest pub story ever. He's now armed with an anecdote so strong, we may have to knock Stephen Fry off our dream dinner party guest list just so we can sit next to, or even near, 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester instead.

Here it comes: according to the United States of America, 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester will be the next James Bond. 

Unlucky, Elba. Better luck next time, Hiddleston. Cheerio, Fassbender. There's a new 007 on the cards, and it's 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester. Here he is, kicking back with a beer and a book before bravely serving his Queen and country, shooting bad guy's in the face, getting the girl, jumping out of exploding cars and trying not to get bitten to death by a giant man with metal teeth. 

1.

Pic: 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester's Twitter

This is our hero. This is our man. This, right, here, is 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester. 

The rumours surrounding this frankly perfect announcement were triggered by a New York-based news site Headlines and Global News, who boasted an EXCLUSIVE story about an unknown Brit taking the role from soon-to-stand-down Daniel Craig. 

Unfortunately, 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester is just as confused as everyone else is about the potential job of a lifetime. 

“It’s all very silly," he told the Manchester Evening News. "I have been fielding e-mails from US journalists asking if I can confirm or deny the story.”

Heart-breaking. 

The original source of all the rumours? Er, just some bloke on Twitter, apparently.

“We have traced the source to a lad in America who follows me on Twitter," 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester went on to say. "It all stems from a circular chat on Twitter which I was not involved in. [The rumours are] not true - not unless they want a bald Bond, which I very much doubt. It’s all very strange and harmless fun I guess, but there’s no way I’m getting that role. I haven’t even been to America for years."

You're still a hero to us, 39-year-old Wayne from Manchester. You're still a hero to us. 

Related

Bond.jpg

Daniel Craig turns down £68m to play Bond

Arnie Gun.png

100 greatest one-liners: after the kill

Stormtrooper_Corps.png

A totally unexpected Brit star may have just filmed a Star Wars cameo

More

Sir Bruce Forsyth has died aged 89

The legendary presenter has died aged 89

by Gary Ogden
18 Aug 2017

The biggest stereotype about men and sex is actually a load of rubbish

We've been wrong this whole time

by Gary Ogden
18 Aug 2017

Discover the words that became cool in the year you were born

Were you born in the year of booty calls or cybersex?

by Emily Reynolds
18 Aug 2017

This German town came up with a genius way of humiliating neo-Nazis

Is this the best possible way to deal with them?

by Alex Finnis
18 Aug 2017

Donald Trump’s lawyer: possibly not racist, definitely not intelligent

Oldest trick in the book

by Tom Victor
17 Aug 2017

The 10 worst cities in the world to live in 2017

To put your first-world problems into perspective

17 Aug 2017

We have some very, very good news about cheese

Cheese lovers, it's our time to shine

by Emily Reynolds
17 Aug 2017

Jurors refuse to work on Martin Shkreli's trial for the best reasons

He is *not* a popular man

by Emily Reynolds
17 Aug 2017

Apparently millennials hate boobs now - but what do we like instead?

These god damn millennials, eh

by Gary Ogden
17 Aug 2017

All the times Donald Trump has failed to condemn far-right extremists

This has gone on for some time

by Tom Victor
16 Aug 2017