The funniest-ever opening lines of books

"The morning after noted child prodigy Colin Singleton graduated from high school and got dumped for the 19th time by a girl named Katherine, he took a bath. Colin had always preferred baths."

"When I was 8 years old, I suffered a nosebleed so profuse and generous I bolted from the schoolyard and sought solace in the first class countryside of Norfolk."

The sun sets in the west (just about everyone knows that), but Sunset Towers faced east. Strange!"

“As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect."

"I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy, in an emergency room near Petoskey, Michigan, in August of 1974."

"Sometimes it seems like all I ever do is lie."

"'Where's Papa going with that axe?' said Fern to her mother as they were setting the table for breakfast."

“How five crows managed to lift a twenty-pound baby boy into the air was beyond Prue, but that was certainly the least of her worries.”

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.”

“If this typewriter can’t do it, then f*** it, it can’t be done."

“A white Pomeranian named Fluffy flew out of the a fifth-floor window in Panna, which was a grand-new building with the painter’s scaffolding still around it. Fluffy screamed.”

“After I’d been dead about thirty years, I begun to get a little anxious.”

Every summer Lin Kong returned to Goose Village to divorce his wife, Shuyu."

"Nick Naylor had been called many things since becoming the chief spokesman for the Academy of Tobacco Studies, but until now no one had actually compared him to Satan."

"I write this sitting in the kitchen sink."

"They say the world is flat and supported on the back of four elephants who themselves stand on the back of a giant turtle."

Balloon Tying For Christ was the cheapest balloon manual I could find."

"In our family, there was no clear line between religion and fly fishing."

"When you have to kill the same terrorist twice in one week, then there’s either something wrong with your skills or something wrong with your world. And there’s nothing wrong with my skills."

"When a day that you happen to know is Wednesday starts off by sounding like Sunday, there is something seriously wrong somewhere."

"It's a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful."

"We’re going to tell you about three of the children in Mrs. Jewls’s class, on the thirtieth story of Wayside School. But before we get to them, there is something you ought to know. Wayside School was accidentally built sideways. It was supposed to be only one story high, with thirty classrooms all in a row. Instead, it is thirty stories high, with one classroom on each story. The builder said he was very sorry."

"If you're going to read this, don't bother."

"For the better part of my childhood, my professional aspirations were simple–I wanted to be an intergalactic princess."

As a boy, I wanted to be a train.”

"This is my favorite book in all the world, though I have never read it.”

"It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression ‘As pretty as an airport.'"

"I come from Des Moines. Somebody had to."

It was the day my grandmother exploded."

"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."