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15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile

Tinder might have become the only place that human beings meet these days but that doesn’t mean we’re actually any good at it. Michelle Thomas gives us the lowdown on the profile sins that keep making her swipe left.

Listen up folks…

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile

    Sapiosexal

    If you describe yourself as sapiosexual, remember that Jimmy Saville was a member of Mensa. If you value intelligence over empathy, compassion, or humour, you might be better off with a prison pen-pal than a real-life human companion.

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 1

    Just another “____” in London!

    Just another profile too dull to read beyond the headline!

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 2

    I never know what to write / Just ask!

    Sure, out of the 30,000 people on this app, you're the one special enough for me to care!

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 3

    No duckface / bikini shots please

    Duckface isn't a female epidemic, Michael Keaton has been slurping invisible spaghetti for years. 

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 4

    No Cartoons

    Cartoons of yourself – bitcomics and similar – are scarily self-infantalising. And if your profile includes a minion I will assume you are intellectually impaired.

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 5

    Don't hold a balled-up fist to your temple

    You may think you're discreetly showing off your guns, but it just looks like you're punching yourself in the head

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 6

    The 'this-definitely-isn't-a-selfie' selfie

    You're not fooling anyone with your arm-raised-while-casually-gazing-into-the-distance-on-the-sofa/train/in the car selfie.

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 7

    Selfie surrounded by fit women

    You're so cool! I wish I could get my photo taken with a man!

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 8

    I'm a feminist!

    While objectively excellent, it's not something you should wield to curry favour. If you say you're a feminist then tell me you love John Lennon and Norman Mailer, we're not going to get on.

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 9

    Here's a picture of me with a celebrity!

    Why? Do you think I'm gonna think you're mates?

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 10

    Been hurt too many times / Are there any nice girls out there?

    I recently saw a profile with the headline “lonely, pessimistic and desperate for love”. Don't. Just don't. Bitterness doesn't make you look sensitive. Self-pity doesn't make us want to be the one to “fix” you. It just highlights the one common denominator in all your failed relationships – you.

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 11

    If you don't look like your profile pics, you're buying the drinks until you do!

    Usually from guys who've uploaded seven group shots and one close up so grainy it could be Eddie Redmayne, or Dean Gaffney.

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 12

    Why don't girls ever send the first message?

    I don't know. Everyone knows whining is a massive aphrodisiac.

     

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 13

    On-the-phone

    This is genuinely odd. You're so busy and important you had to take a call with one hand while taking a selfie with the other in your Mum's dining room? Sure.

  • 15 things you need to stop putting on your Tinder profile 14

    Willing to lie about how we met!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA you will die alone.