It’s safe to say that 2017 has… not been a great year. Systematic abuses of power, political fuckery, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword. We’ve waited long enough and can now officially decree: 2017 = bad. Well, mostly bad.
As the city’s residents decamp to the countryside, as you lie awake trying to remember which family member you forgot to buy a present for (it’s your sister), and as the Google search trend for “auld lang syne lyrics” starts its tragic trajectory skyward, we can confirm: there have been some good tweets.
Twitter has taken a lot of flack over the past 12 months for its high concentration of Nazis, trolls, Russian spybots, and Piers Morgan, but thank god there are still people out there using it as a force for good, for laughter, for banter, banter elevated to the group chat of the gods.
Sit back, put your phone on DND, emails on OOO, and (in no particular order) enjoy the best of the best:
SCIENTIST: Let's name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs— Philly Byrne (@PhilipNByrne) September 25, 2017
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
The reviews for "The Disaster Artist" are in: Overall, it's received Hi Marks.— Jonathan Monitz (@MonJonitz) December 3, 2017
extrovert: [wrestles a crocodile] EVER HEARD OF HEROIN— 𝑺𝑬𝑬 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑺𝑷𝑨𝑪𝑬 𝑫𝑶𝑮... (@DOGGEAUX) November 29, 2017
introvert: please!!! calm down!!!! i'm reading war & peace by tolstoy!!! not that you've ever heard of that!!!!
extrovert: I LOVE PARIS HILTON
introvert [openly sobbing]: well i love mongolian throat singing
Just so we’re clear, The Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair.— Heeeyy Auntie (@random_weighs) November 25, 2017
stop naming your babies James. name him Jame. he is one Jame.— kelly (@ohheyohhihello) November 13, 2017
I would pay 10 million dollars to watch Donald trump draw a map of the world from memory— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 28, 2017
its mad to think that if you buy a triple sandwich at Tesco, someone else is eating the other half of the same sandwich— ryan (@ryanrochford1) March 28, 2017
MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED— Sarah Lyons (@sarbeaaaar) January 3, 2017
Are you even British if you don't say "let me come in your suitcase" when anyone you know is off on holiday— megs (@megdacey98) June 20, 2017
julius caesar (dying after being stabbed 23 times): please…name a salad after me— the hippo account (@InternetHippo) October 21, 2017
As his name is not "Biggest Bird", we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds— TOM (@tomwalkerisgood) October 11, 2017
AND ON EASTER SUNDAY JESUS DID RISE DECREEING THAT THE BIG TESCO MUST CLOSE IN HIS HONOUR BUT THE EXPRESS STORE CAN STAY OPEN FOR ESSENTIALS— Dan (@ThatConnArtist) April 16, 2017
there is a great tide of millenials in train stations and airports right now travelling from the only cities where they could get a job to the other cities where their parents bought a house for $5 in 1985— Hannah Jewell (@hcjewell) November 23, 2017
[concert]— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 9, 2017
SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight
ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months
why would I listen to Taylor's new song 6 times to "get into it" when I can listen to Africa by Toto once and lose my shit— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) August 25, 2017
me [loudly from the back of a cinema in 2004]: technically they're BOTH aliens and they're BOTH predators— ꜰᴇʙʀᴜ-ʀᴇɴɪ (@moren1ke) November 3, 2017
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house— lolly (@lollyadefope) December 4, 2017
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme
wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
My dad’s mate overslept his alarm and had to get on a flight within an hour so he shoved all the clothes on his bed into his suitcase, but when he got to the airport he found out he’d packed his fucking cat AHAHAHAHAHHAHAH I’m not even lying😂😂😂😂— Joe (@JoeeCambo) December 11, 2017
donkey kong is a fool if he thinks wearing a tie will earn him respect— wedding mechsuit (@intellegint) November 16, 2017
until twitter, I didn't know my jokes had answers.— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) January 4, 2017
fellas, if a girls wears a choker all that means is her head is not connected to her body. you will fall in love with her and go “pls babe take off the choker” she will refuse. on her deathbed she will say “ok take off choker” u do. her head falls off. you look like a fool— im adopting a shiba dont tell my dad (@worstamericngrl) December 11, 2017
Bin Laden spent his final years on YouTube comments section, getting angry at conspiracy theorists who said 9/11 was an inside job— Hussein Kesvani (@HKesvani) November 3, 2017
Shout out to the man in the audience for Dunkirk who turned to his girlfriend + said "Dunkirk" when the word 'Dunkirk' came up on screen.— Ben Peter Griffin (@GameGriffin) July 23, 2017
im afraid i must say that i do not find the mysteries featured on "scooby-doo" challenging enough .— wint (@dril) November 25, 2017
"sir do u know how fast u were going?"— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) November 16, 2017
"and do u know how furious u were going?"
"and do u know how...Tokyo Drift u wer
twitter is a long car ride where nazis go "i'm not touching you i'm not touching you" and your mom turns around to say "hey technically that's true"— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) November 29, 2017
I want bread!— 小島 聡【SATOSHI KOJIMA】 (@cozy_lariat) February 24, 2017
I'd like to eat bread!
I like bread!
I'm loving bread!
Thank you very much, bread!
I eat again.
Fucking hate getting catfished by a parking space u think it's empty and then there's a fucking KA in there— Steppy (@Chris_Steppy) March 7, 2017
I've got a Blur alarm clock, so I always wake up listening to Park Life, except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awakened by the dustmen.— Jake Lambert (@LittleLostLad) April 2, 2017
I would never say Liam Neeson is a bad parent. But Taken 3? THREE??? Maybe it's time to get a nanny.— om (@oliviamunn) January 10, 2015
Who would ye rather have as Prime Minister?— Goudie (@Goudie15) June 2, 2017