You rarely get to see people in their happiest element, but here is a video of multi-million-dollar filmmaker and playboy arsonist Michael Bay dancing around (hopefully) a set, filming stuff explode with a custom camera made for him by RED called the ‘BAYHEM’:
Just watch Michael Bay, giddy as a toddler discovering a new place for the first time, pointing his little BAYHEM at fireballs and debris and people getting their limbs blasted off, while Tchaikovsky plays in his head. Pure serenity. The sight of tank being ripped apart or a torso flying through the air is to Michael Bay as sinking into a bubble bath is to the normal person, and he wants to share a small slice of that with the world. And now RED have made it easier for him, with the “lightest, most advanced hand held motion picture camera in the world.”
You might note that they’ve called it the ‘BAYHEM’ and painted it a hideous luminous green, exactly like a child dizzy on a lemonade would, rather than a serious filmmaker, but halt your criticism. Michael Bay isn’t bothered by such trivial concerns as: ‘framing’, ‘lighting’, or ‘not filming something so it feels like you’ve been pushed down a hill in a zorb with a load of pots and pans, which are on fire’, Michael Bay just wants to film as many explosions and severed limbs as quickly and as indiscriminately as possible. Michael Bay will only stop filming indiscriminate explosions and limbs to occasionally linger on the exposed cleavage of his female protagonist.
Michael Bay lingers on the exposed cleavage of his female protagonist, counting in his head, “…28…29…30!” then whirls off and returns to the explosions and the limbs. You get the impression Michael Bay is annoyed by formal constraints such as ‘plot’, ‘acting’ and ‘filming things that aren’t explosions.’ You get the feeling Michael Bay just wants to waltz around a battlefield with his BAYHEM until it runs out of battery.
With that in mind, we have written Michael Bay’s ideal BAYHEM-ready script:
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