Films

Hollywood are remaking 5 of your favourite movies for 2016

Posted by
Nick Pope
Published

There are zero online petitions pleading for Hollywood to produce more remakes – and that should go some way to proving how hated they are, because there’s an online petition for everything these days.

Yet, it’s 2016, and we’re facing a bumper year for re-treads and revivals, and what’s more - say it quietly now, in a noisy room - most of them don’t look too bad…

  • Hollywood are remaking 5 of your favourite movies for 2016

    Ghostbusters

    Release date: July 15th

    Starring: Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones

    Why are people angry?

    Because ‘political correctness gone mad’ or some such nonsense.

    Why should you be happy?

    Apart from the fact that it pisses off menimists? It’s got a stellar cast of SNL-crafted comedians who surely have what it takes to live up to Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd’s wise-cracking crew. And don’t forget it’s being directed by Paul Feig, the mastermind behind Freaks & Geeks, Bridesmaids and Spy.

  • Hollywood are remaking 5 of your favourite movies for 2016 1

    Jumanji

    Release date: TBA 2016

    Starring: Nobody, so far.

    Why are people angry?

    Because what’s the point?

    Why should you be happy?

    You shouldn’t. The flawed original eventually reached cult status, but only with the help of Robin Williams and his ceaseless charisma. It’s hard to see how Jake Kasdan, director of Bad Teacher and Sex Tape, could improve upon the formula, and we can see this becoming an overblown, CGI-drenched mess.

    And do kids even play board games anymore? If it turns out to be a magic iPhone app, we fully expect the writers to commit seppuku at their keyboards. That said, the original was absolute gold. Imagine watching the exact same thing with modern day CGI. It would sort of be worth it.

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    Point Break

    Release date: Out last month.

    Starring: Ray Winstone, Luke Bracey, Teresa Palmer

    Why are people angry?

    It was rubbish, and holds a score of 9% on Rotten Tomatoes.

    Why should you be happy?

    Look: you can’t improve upon Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves jumping from a plane without a parachute. You just can’t. It’s the coolest thing ever, and everything that has come after it has been a disappointment by comparison.

    The movie-makers understood this and, in a show of utmost humility, double-downed on making the most generic, cookie cutter remake imaginable. And it's actually not that bad, it's actually quite heroic. 

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    Baywatch

    Release date: TBA 2016

    Starring: The Rock, Zac Efron

    Why are people angry?

    Because it's being remade as a comedy, and BAYWATCH SHOULD BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, OKAY?

    Why should you be happy?

    Baywatch was always pretty ridiculous, so it makes sense that the series is being reimagined as a comedy. It’s a decision that has angered members of the original cast, with David Hasselhoff refusing to be part of project, saying: “I don’t want it to be a joke.”

    But who needs the Hoff when you’ve got Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and the increasingly chuckle-worthy Zac Efron keeping an eye on the beach? In the words of Baywatch’s incredible theme tune: Don’t you worry, it’s gonna be alright.

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    Ben Hur

    Release date: August 12th

    Starring: Morgan Freeman, Jack Huston, Rodrigo Santoro, Nazanin Boniadi

    Why are people angry?

    The original won 11 Oscars, and stands the test of time - which begs the question: why?

    Why should you be happy?

    The 2016 version will be based on Lew Wallace’s original novel, rather than the Charlton Heston classic, and director Timur Bekmambetov’s filmography isn’t too shabby (that is, if we all forget that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter ever happened). He’s been praised for hiring an ethnically diverse cast, and Morgan Freeman will lend some necessary gravitas to the legendary tale. Probably the Gladiator of this generation.