Kindergarten Cop aside, Arnold Schwarzenegger characters have never been bastions of lawfulness. Whether he’s dropkicking bears in the face as Hercules in New York, streaking through dive bars in Terminator, or bazooka-ing bad guys into helicopters in True Lies, Arnie’s muscle-bound men only care about one thing: getting the job done.
But of all the utterly violent movies that the Austrian Oak has starred in, one sticks out as the most lawless, reckless and totally unforgivable: 1996 Christmas comedy romp Jingle All The Way.
A little background: Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a workaholic dad who needs to buy his son a hella popular action figure for Christmas – Turbo-Man. Problem is, he’s left it too late, and the doll has sold out EVERYWHERE. Cue a citywide Turbo-Man hunt, where Arnie embarks on a crime spree the size of which has never been seen before in cinema.
Here is that crime spree…
Speeding in the wrong lane (0:5:55)
A gateway crime. Arnold stays too late at work and is in danger of missing his son’s karate lesson – AGAIN. Gridlocked in traffic, he decides to manoeuvre his massive car onto the shoulder and speed away. He is stopped, because obviously.
Penalty: 3 points on the license. £100 fine.
Arnold joins a crowd outside his local toyshop as they wait impatiently for the doors to open. A shop assistant lets them in before being pushed to the ground and trampled under the Austrian’s boots. Arnold Schwarzenegger weighs almost 18 stone. That’s the weight of a fridge.
Penalty: Up to six months imprisonment.
Two toyshop employees laugh hysterically when Arnold asks if they have Turbo-Man in stock. Arnold responds by lifting them off the ground and threatening them.
Penalty: Community service and a three-month ban from the shopping centre.
Obstruction of traffic (00:23:00)
Arnold sees the Turbo-Man in the back seat of a woman’s car and gives chase. Terrified, she speeds away. Arnold stands, defeated, in the middle of the busy road.
Penalty: £30 fine.
Destruction of property (00:23:30)
Angry and helpless, Arnold destroys a cardboard Turbo-Man display.
Penalty: Six-month ban from the shopping centre.
Dangerous driving (00:27.20)
In a rush to beat another desperate dad to the next toy store, Arnold accidentally backs into a policeman’s motorcycle – the same policeman who stopped him for speeding! The chances!
Penalty: £200 fine.
Once he reaches the second toyshop, another riot ensues. He pins a man down on the ground in a headlock as he fights off a woman gnawing at his hand.
Penalty: Up to six months imprisonment.
Running the wrong way down an escalator and property damage (00:30:30)
Tears down the shifting stairs before leaping onto a grand piano.
Penalty: £750 piano repair fee.
Destruction of property (00:30:50)
Arnold kicks a child’s LEGO model apart for no discernable reason.
Penalty: A lifetime ban from the LEGO Shop.
Arnold assaults a toddler in a ball pit.
Penalty: A lifetime ban from all shopping centres and playgrounds within a five-mile radius.
Buying counterfeit goods (00:36:00)
A shopping centre Santa offers Arnold the chance to buy a Turbo-Man doll. Arnold follows him to a warehouse containing hundreds of other Santas, who are running a counterfeit toy operation. He buys the unofficial Turbo-Man for $300. It breaks apart immediately.
Penalty: Up to nine months imprisonment.
Assault (and maybe mass murder) (00:39:40)
Arnold proceeds to attack the con men with a metal pole shaped like a candy cane, aiming almost exclusively for their heads. It is unknown how many people died or incurred brain damage in this scene, but we’re going with four.
Penalty: Life imprisonment with no chance of parole.
Impersonating a police officer (00:41:40)
A police squad busts in on the warehouse and begin arresting the copyright-infringing criminals. Finding a fake police badge in a nearby tray, Arnold impersonates an officer and makes his escape.
Penalty: Up to five months imprisonment.
When Arnold hears about a local radio channel giving away a Turbo-Man in a competition, he rushes over to the station and breaks into the studio. After being told that the prize is actually a voucher, Arnold threatens to beat the radio presenter up (with the help of a mail man who also wants the prize).
Penalty: Community service.
Terrorism and resisting arrest (00:54:50)
As the police arrive, the mailman threatens to blow the station up with a letter bomb. Arnold makes his escape during the ensuing chaos.
Penalty: Life imprisonment in a maximum-security prison.
Destruction of property and burglary (00:58:46)
Remembering that his next-door neighbour bought a Turbo-Man for his child, Arnold decides to break into his house and steal it. The neighbour’s pet reindeer (yep) spots Arnold and charges towards him. While trying to escape, Arnold manages to set fire to the Christmas tree and destroy almost all of his possessions.
Penalty: Up to three months imprisonment.
Animal cruelty (1:02:20)
Arnold punches the reindeer in the face.
Penalty: Up to a £20,000 fine.
Animal cruelty (again) (1:03:00)
A few minutes later they become friends. Arnold celebrates this by feeding the reindeer alcohol.
Penalty: Lifetime ban from relaxing with reindeers.
Resisting arrest (1:07:50)
Arnold makes his way to a local parade, but accidentally knocks into the very same officer who stopped him at the start of the movie. The scalding hot coffee that he was holding rains down on the officer. Arnold runs away.
Penalty: Up to two years imprisonment.
While escaping from the police officer, Arnold is yanked into a room and fitted in a Turbo-Man costume and told to join the parade. Despite the case of mistaken identity, Arnold goes along with it, stepping out onto the float.
Penalty: Up to three years imprisonment.
Improper jetpack usage (1:18:30)
The Turbo-Man suit is fitted with a jetpack. A very dangerous jetpack. A very dangerous jetpack which Arnold decides to fly in a densely populated area, without any sort of training. He ends up smashing through a family’s window.
Penalty: Fine of up to £5,000.
Total repercussions for such behaviour?
Lifetime imprisonment in a maximum-security prison, alongside a £26,080 fine. Merry Christmas.