Being a musician, by definition, involves having a certain inflated sense of self-worth. “I am an artist, and people need to hear the music I create,” is, necessarily, a thought process that must occur in the mind of someone intending to release their work to the general public - otherwise they’d just play it in their bedroom and never venture any further.
And there’s nothing wrong with this, except that, sometimes, there’s no one willing - or able - to tell them that perhaps that fourteen minute-long prog odyssey does not actually need to be that long.
Similarly, artists basking in the glory of their creations often overlook the fact that their song is, in fact, dragging like hell and would be a damn sight better if it was given a good old kick up the arse.
This thought occurred to us upon the release of the Arctic Monkey’s latest album, which - as you’re about to find out - would be well served in general by whacking the speed dial up a bit.
Fortunately, YouTube has blessed us with the ability to right these wrongs, by taking advantage of their varispeed function.
Simply hit play, then head down to the settings cogwheel (or the three dots on the mobile app) down the bottom right-hand corner of the video pane, click ‘speed’ and then adjust to 1.25 - and the following 17 songs will all sound infinitely better than they did originally (or you can use this fancy Google Chrome plugin).
FAO: the artists featured - we’ll claim our A&R royalty at your leisure
By Dave Fawbert & Gary Ogden
1. Daft Punk - ‘Lose Yourself to Dance’
This doesn’t half drag - whack it to 1.25x and suddenly it’s a peak-era Chic disco banger.
2. Arctic Monkeys - ‘Four out of Five’
The original sounds like it’s in a K-hole. 1.25x is much better, in fact, it’s almost enjoyable.
3. Cranberries - ‘Zombie’
Whack it up to 1.25x and watch this turn into a Nirvana track before your very ears.
4. Oasis - ‘Cigarettes and Alcohol’
Take a pinch of 1.25x and - voila - instant Quo.
5. The All-American Rejects - ‘Gives You Hell’
This is just much, much perkier isn’t it?
6. Dido - ‘White Flag’
Funky Dido - who could imagine such a thing? 1.25x just made it happen.
7. Drake - ‘One Dance’
Roughly 99% of Drake’s output could do with being sped up if we’re being honest. Weird hearing Drake actually sound like he’s not in desperate need of a lie-down isn’t it?
8. Elbow - ‘One Day Like This’
Great song obviously, but it has a bloody groove at 1.25x doesn’t it?
9. Gotye - ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’ (feat. Kimbra)
Give it some OOOMPH at 1.25x won’t you Gotye mate?
10. Radiohead - ‘No Surprises’
Look, they sped it up already for the video so Thom Yorke wouldn’t drown so they can hardly complain.
11. Giggs - ‘Talking Da Hardest’
Giggs x 1.25x = bit of well funky grime.
12. Harry Styles - ‘Sign of the Times’
YouTube struggles a little bit before the drums kick in, but once they do this is a massive improvement. Sign of the times one point two five mate.
13. Green Day - ‘Wake Me Up When September Ends’
Excellent! Now this song doesn’t feel like it goes on for A HUNDRED YEARS.
14. Prince - ‘Purple Rain’
We’re going to get abuse for this one aren’t we? But come on, the purple one could have done with getting on with it a bit couldn’t he?
15. Daft Punk - ‘Something About Us’
Next album lads, when it’s all recorded and mixed, just whack it up to 1.25x in mastering and pop us £50k in the post. Job done.
16. Afroman - ‘Because I Got High’
Obviously this sort of misses the point of the song, but at the same time, it’s a lot better isn’t it?
17. Gorillaz - ‘Clint Eastwood’
They basically admitted this was too slow already when they released the Ed Case/Sweetie Irie Remix so don’t @ us Gorillaz fans.
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