It's always been a bit of a dream for us to interview royalty on Shortlist.com. While Her Majesty is still refusing to text us back, we've managed to secure the second best, or maybe third best alternative.
The parody Twitter feed for Prince Charles, @Charles_HRH, has turned into a bit of a big thing of late. Now racking up over 170,000 followers, he's been sharing his unofficial royal thoughts with his loyal subjects and now he's given us an exclusive interview.
What attracted you to Twitter?
It seemed that Twitter was fast becoming a way that one could keep in touch with one's future people. Coincidentally, it was on the night that one was becoming extremely bored with James Corden "presenting" the BRIT Awards 2011 that one first tweeted.
Not a fan of James Corden, then?
One rather thinks that James Corden is tolerable in small doses. Unlike Mr Cameron.
What’s your beef with DC?
Mr Cameron, love him or hate him. Or neither. He often wastes time letting one know his intentions on various subjects such as 'Childcare' or putting an end to the 'Culture of Entitlement'. Needless to say, one's irony meter is regularly exploding, and they cost more than Greece. One can confirm that Phillip Schofield has been asked to form a Government. Terribly glad to inform, he "accepted".
Schofield eh? Can he do that and host The Cube?
There's an urban myth that men can't multitask. One has no problem whatsoever in waving and tweeting at the same time during public events. Prince Harry can "chat up several birds in one night". Father can shoot reporters from the bathroom window whilst reading the paper. One's 100% confident that Mr Schofield is capable of doing the job. Of course his Deputy PM, Holly Willoughby is also there to assist.
We’d go to war for Willoughby. What’s your new jam?
Jam? Thought you'd never ask. Someone get one a Duchy Original Sandringham Strawberry jam sandwich and a cup of tea.
I’m sorry your highness, perhaps we should rephrase. What songs are you listening to right now?
One has a mixed variety of taste in music ranging from classical to Tiny Temper and Lady Blah Blah. After a gin, or two, or three, one regularly has a good old fashioned sing-song. Everyday one's shuffling. Camilla on the other hand is a huge ABBA fan. We were invited for dinner with King Carl XVI Gustaf and Queen Silvia of Sweden. She was wearing her bright blue jumpsuit the whole night. Just as one thought the night couldn't get any more awkward, the karaoke started...
You tweeted that Beckham called you after being left out of Team GB. Is there anything you can tell us about that conversation?
David Beckham is a man of very few words. Literally. The phone conversation started and ended the same way. Floods of tears. Initially one thought he was crying after finally realising who he's married to. He asked if he could be considered for another Olympic sport. One suggested fencing. He said "he's never been any good at DIY". Hung up.
Maybe you could give him a knighthood to cheer him up?
You have to do something rather special to get one of Mother's Honours. Unless your name is Gary Barlow. His OBE award was a mistake. Mother clearly said "give him an oboe", or was it "give him the elbow". Either remark is appropriate. One's currently working on downgrading him from OBE to Blue Peter badge.
What was for breakfast this morning?
One had a bacon sandwich of almost biblical proportions.
So you do normal things like any Brit would? Pint of ale, steak pie, cinema?
All night parties are a regular occurrence in the Royal household. Decided to throw a Britain's Got Talent fancy dress party on the night of the final. Camilla got confused with The Voice and came dressed as Tom Jones. Extremely awkward. She kept saying that "David Walliams looks exactly like that lady from Little Britain". Didn't answer her. Prince Harry wouldn't leave Pippa Middleton alone the whole night. He's like a fly round a cow's arse when she arrives. By the time we got to the final result, one was absolutely sloshed. Over 60 million people in Britain, and who has the most talent? Pudsey the Dog.
You’re a keen gin drinker is that right?
"All work and no gin makes one a dull boy". Remember that quote, you'll go far. And whilst you're there, make one a Titanic gin. Easy on the ice.
Finally did you have fun during the Jubilee Concert?
Needed a pre-concert gin beforehand. Not too sure what was more worrying; the cost of the weekend's celebrations or Cheryl Cole attempting to sing. Camilla said the "karaoke contest sounded bloody awful". And that was before Cliff Richard arrived on stage. Totally missed his performance. One was busily looking into making him illegal. Rather enjoyed Tom Jones, but then always do. One can regularly be heard singing his songs in the shower. It's not unusual. Why, why, why Camilla. Father was missed terribly. Although one suspects he deliberately admitted himself to hospital to escape Elton John. Camilla almost put her back out pole dancing to Kylie Minogue. But then there's no stopping her once she's wearing the gold hot-pants that Dannii Minogue sent over for Christmas. Many Paul McCartney's later, one ended the night with an epic speech regarding Mummy's 60 years on the throne. And if one doesn't mind saying so; one totally rocked the microphone.
(Image: Rex Features)