"Bloody hell, The X Factor is back already?! Comes round faster than the plague," says Twitter royalty Charles HRH as we settle down to discuss the return of ITV's flagship show.
Charles HRH, lest we forget, is the phenomenally popular parody account that boasts over 220,000 loyal subjects. His musings on the Olympics keeping us all entertained, even during that closing ceremony. So follow, for his X Factor opinion is more important than Cowell's. He can have people hanged!
Your X-Factor interview starts right here!
One's not entirely sure what you mean
Never mind. Who’s your favourite judge?
One has really grown to like Tulisa Contostavlos. She was recently voted number 1 in FHM's 100 Sexiest Women 2012. Her campaign video must've been good. But one’s favourite judge has to be Dannii Minogue. It’s unfortunate that she isn’t returning this year. Seriously considering asking her to form a new Government in Australia.
Who's your favourite X Factor contestant ever?
One is quite fond of cheeky chappy, Olly Murs. Upon hearing he was returning to sing with The Muppets, one assumed it was a duet with Cameron and Clegg.
And your favourite X Factor contestant from last year?
It certainly wasn't Frankie Cocozza. One was forced to throw him out because he broke a golden rule: he couldn’t sing. Prince Harry loved Amelia Lily, even more so when he found out she was “perfectly legal”. Edward liked Craig Coulton and Johnny Robinson. Lord knows why. Little Mix were probably one’s favourite contestants from last year, because they reminded one of a little mixed gin martini.
What snacks are best to accompany a night of X Factor?
A tube of Pringles is a necessity. Once one pops, one can’t stop.
Gin, of course.
Jedward – if beheading were still allowed, would you?
That’s a very difficult question to answer. Yes, absolutely. One can confirm that beheading has recently been made legal again. This is precisely why Sir Paul McCartney hasn’t been seen since the Olympic Opening Ceremony.
Steve Brookstein was the first X Factor winner. Ever bump into him on Twitter?
Yes, one follows Mr Brookstein on Twitter, and vice versa. He has kindly offered to provide entertainment at one’s eventual Coronation, priced at mates rates.
Does the Queen like Simon Cowell?
Mother has made it illegal to be Simon Cowell on more than one occasion. She refers to him as “Irritable Cowell Syndrome”. He once rang up crying because he felt that the Rage Against The Machine campaign was aimed at him. He's wrong, it wasn't. But Father’s rifle was.
If you were going to audition for the X Factor, what would be your song of choice?
“One just can’t wait to be King”. Absolutely love The Lion King.
We can imagine Camilla’s a big fan of the show?
They don’t sing enough ABBA for her liking.
Finally, do you ever have Karaoke at Royal Parties?
Yes, we had a party for Kate’s 30th birthday. 80’s theme. Her and William came as Jason Donovan and Kylie Minogue. Slightly embarrassed. Kate looked lovely, but William looked nothing like her. Camilla misunderstood the invitation, and came dressed as Mother. Awkward. Prince Harry spent the whole night telling Pippa Middleton how much he “likes big butts". It had nothing to do with the fact he was dressed as Sir Mix-a-Lot.
Anyone else invited?
Mrs Cameron and Mrs Clegg looked a bit uncomfortable. But then their husbands were singing 'Especially For You'. Mother sang a perfect rendition of ‘Killer Queen’. She then spent most of the night on the phone to the Pope, wanting to know about the possible resurrection of Freddie Mercury. Camilla decided to pole-dance for the rest of the evening. Had to pop some WD-40 on her back to loosen her up.