Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation
Top

Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo prescribe the real feel-good movies

1.jpg

Together, these podcast giants are the Florence Nightingale of the cinema. Here they give their cinematic advice for a variety of ailments...


If you need to get some sleep 

Kermode: “The perfect movies to sleep in are the Transformers films. I remember sitting in the press screening of Transformers 2 thinking, ‘I am going to fall asleep.’ They are so boringly noisy."

Mayo: “The movies for insomniacs are films where nothing really happens. The PianoEmpire [Andy Warhol’s eight-hour film of the Empire State Building in which literally nothing happens].”

1

Optimus Was Primed For Bed


If you’re Donald Trump

K: “I would lock him in a room with You’ve Been Trumped on repeat. It is a brilliant piece of work – the story of Trump coming to this beautiful area of Scotland with the intention of ripping it up and turning it into a golf course."


If you need to throw up

K: “Problem Child 2 will do the job. There is a sequence with kids on a merry-go-round; one spews and then all the other kids spew."


If you’re Jeremy Corbyn

M: “Battleship Potemkin. If Corbyn comes to power, it’s the only cinema we’ll be allowed to watch.”
K: “The Ploughman’s Lunch: a very interesting film about the public positioning of people’s politics.”
M: “I’ll add Labor’s Turning Point – The Minneapolis Truck Strikes of 1934: A Rank And File Story.”

1

Battleship Potemkin - perfect for Corbyn's VHS player


If you have a cold

M: “I Drink Your Blood: it’s a Seventies horror movie about Satanist hippies who inject rabies into pies."


If you want to avoid contracting an evil virus

M: “Don’t have extra-marital sex with Gwyneth Paltrow.”
K: “In Contagion, Gwyneth Paltrow has had extra-marital sex and so the world is going to end. Someone coughs into a tissue, and the camera looks at the tissue, and then somebody else touches the tissue. It’s a very paranoia-inducing thing.”
M: “Don’t have extra-marital sex with Gwyneth Paltrow. I have stood by that moral all my life."


If you’re Vladimir Putin

K: “Cruising and The Adventures Of Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert.”
M: “Pride.”
K: “It is entirely possible that Vladimir Putin could come across Pride and then be swept away by the majesty of the film and re-think his homophobia."

1

Could this film prevent WW3?


If you have swine flu

K: “You can’t focus on anything. If you can watch an entire film, you're well."


The Movie Doctors is out now; £20, Canongate.tv. The tour runs 17 October-13 December

[Images: Jay Brooks]

Related

ridiculous.jpg

The first trailer for Adam Sandler's Netflix film isn't that bad

efswag.jpg

DiCaprio Wants Oscar So Badly He Slept Inside Dead Animals

1.jpg

Colin Farrell on forcing down cheeseburgers, and True Detective

Comments

More

Exclusive: Sam Neill confirms he's in Thor 3

23 Sep 2016

Chris Pratt is a big deal - and we couldn't be happier for him

Chris Pratt talks to Jimi Famurewa about stripping off, the pay gap and why he’s happy to be a piece of meat

22 Sep 2016

See the hilarious War On Everyone for FREE

ShortList Film Club gives you the chance to catch it first and for free

21 Sep 2016

Morgan Spurlock's 'Rats' documentary is the biggest horror of 2016

If you weren't already terrified of rats then you will be after this by Paddy Maddison

19 Sep 2016

Why does Bill Murray have no friends?

Is there are more sinister side to why Billy 'No Mates' Murray needs to be worshipped? by Tristan Cross

15 Sep 2016

Six reasons new thriller The Clan is unmissable

by Joe Ellison

15 Sep 2016

Daniel Radcliffe has issues in exclusive clip for new Neo-Nazi drama

He's come a long way since Harry Potter by Paddy Maddison

13 Sep 2016

Stylised Sci-Fi posters bring new life to your favourite films

Your favourite Sci-Fi films reimagined by Paddy Maddison

13 Sep 2016

Mad Max without special effects is still incredible

Those of a nervous disposition may wish to look away now. by Paddy Maddison

13 Sep 2016

Does this confirm Wolverine dies in the next film?

Boyd Holbrook hints it might be the end of Logan's run

13 Sep 2016