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How to replicate Patrick Bateman's grooming regimen

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Along with business cards and murdering prostitutes, Patrick Bateman has a rather obsessive interest in maintaining his body. While we'd love to pretend that matching his physique is easily done, it's actually his grooming routine that we're here to help you replicate.

Our resident grooming expert Ahmed Zambarakji has taken the exact details from American Psycho and provided tips on how you can do it yourself at home.

"In the morning, if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now."

The ice pack trick works a treat, as does drinking more water and cutting back on salt. If Bateman held off on his favourite tipple, J&B, that might allay a puffy face in the morning too. Dehydration causes blood vessels to dilate, which inevitably leads to water retention, around the face and gut. If a pack of frozen peas is a little too unrefined, invest in Menscience’s Eye Gel Mask (£14.50 from mankind.co.uk) and keep it in the fridge.

"After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser…."

In spite of his meticulous approach to skincare, the actual order of Bateman’s routine here is all over the place. Cleansing is the first step in any skincare routine; it makes little sense using a lotion or toner beforehand as it’s only going to get washed off in the shower afterwards. Cleanse in the shower with something like Molton Brown’s Deep-Clean Mineral Ions Face Wash (£18 for 125ml from moltonbrown.co.uk) and leave the rest of your routine until your face has dried. If Bateman were around today, he’d probably go about the job of cleansing with an electronic cleansing brush, such as the ones made by Clarisonic (clarisonic.co.uk).

"…then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub."

An easily replicable step. Look no further than L’Occitane’s Almond Shower scrub (£14 for 200ml from uk.loccitane.com) and NuBo’s Bio-Electric Buff (£38 for 80ml from nubobeauty.com) for a thorough scrubbing. (N.B. Narcissist that he is, Bateman probably does this every day. You might want to limit exfoliation to twice a week so you actually have some skin left.)

"Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine."

The Clay and Herbal Cleansing Mask by Decleor (£27.50 for 50ml from mankind.co.uk) fits the bill perfectly.

"I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older."

Weirdly, there’s no mention of him actually shaving so far, so I’m not entirely sure why he’s using an aftershave product. He does, however, make a good point about the alcohol in post-shave products - especially since most post-shave products in the 80s still contained loads of the stuff. Alcohol-free balms are abound these days, but you can’t beat a no-frills option like Nivea Men’s Sensitive Post-Shave Balm (£5.35 for 100ml from boots.com)

"Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion."

Doubling up on moisturisers is a little excessive and will probably just make your face feel heavy and sticky with product. Simply use a moisturiser with a built-in spf for the ‘protective’ factor that Bateman is cautious enough to incorporate. Lab Series’ Daily Moisture Defense Lotion SPF 15 (£40 for 100ml from labseries.co.uk) covers all bases while their Max LS Instant Eye Lift product (£37 for 15ml from labseries.co.uk) will help smooth out any wear and tear around your peepers.

Oddly enough, there’s no mention of Bateman using a fragrance as a finishing touch. Were he around today, he would probably opt for one of Tom Ford’s Private Blend scents or depend on 80s classics such as Fahrenheit by Dior, Antaeus by Chanel or even Kouros by YSL.



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