Gaming

The 20 weirdest lines we’ve ever heard in video games

By Kate Gray

Anyone who's played through the likes of Uncharted 4Hard Rain or Tomb Raider can attest to the story telling potential of video games.

With the right script and voice actors, they can be just as compelling as your latest Netflix binge - with the added fun of influencing the story to boot.

But video games haven't always mastered the art of narrative and dramatics. Check out the following list of the worst dialogue, lines and acting we've ever encountered in gaming.

"I like shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!" - Pokemon Red/Blue

The protagonist in Pokémon is a silent one, which means that whenever people approach him for a battle, they just yell things in his direction with absolutely no introduction.

Usually it’s just "Let’s battle! My Pokémon are way better than yours!" but this sweet kid has just been waiting for someone to come along so he can tell them how great shorts are. He’s not wrong, either. Thanks for the sartorial advice dude.

"Now bear my arctic blast!" - Shining Force III

In super old games that made their way from Japan to English-speaking audiences, you got a lot of very bored voice acting from resulting re-dubs.

This is one of the greatest/worst examples of that - a guy who’s clearly trying to sound intimidating, but not trying anywhere near hard enough. It’s the kind of tone you’d use to tell the dentist you hadn’t flossed in a while, not to taunt your enemy.

"You flaming IDIOTS!" - Dynasty Warriors

Sometimes you can also overact your lines, like this gem from Dynasty Warriors.

The voice actor is clearly going for "anger2 but ends up falling somewhere between "angsty pre-teen who hasn't learnt to swear" and Gordon Ramsay when he gets mad at people for serving raw fish.

"Would you care for a splash of pigeon milk?" - Animal Crossing

"Would you care for a splash of pigeon milk?" - Animal Crossing

This is weird enough as it is, and then you realise that the barista is a pigeon.

Is it… his milk? He’s definitely the only pigeon in town. Is it weirder if it’s his milk, or if it’s some other, unknown pigeon? And why would you want pigeon milk in your coffee? DO PIGEONS EVEN HAVE NIPPLES?

"Do you know any... sailors?" - Shenmue

Ryo Hazuki was relentless in his pursuit of sailors in Shenmue, which wouldn’t have been so irritating if the scriptwriters had thought of more ways of saying “Hey, what’s up, I’m looking for sailors”.

It only took a few minutes before the whole quest descended to Carry On levels of camp.

"I am error" - Legend of Zelda: The Adventure of Link

This one is potentially the most famous translation error (pun intended) in games.

The character in Japanese was called "Bug", which became "Error" in English. Easy mistake to make, but when playing the game it’s more than a little terrifying to find something that looks a lot like you’ve broken it.

"A winner is you!" - Pro Wrestling

"A winner is you!" - Pro Wrestling

This one’s come full circle and is now a meme, which doesn’t necessarily make it good, but it seems to be more acceptable.

Back in 1986, it was a weird, quirky and badly-translated celebratory message that left players slightly baffled. It's almost philosophical. You are a winner. A winner is you

Thanks, Pro Wrestling. We needed that.

"And Jill, here's a lockpick. It might be handy if you, the master of unlocking, take it with you." - Resident Evil

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Bad writing, or one of the greatest lines of all time?

Definitely the former.

It might be flattering for your colleague to call you "the master of unlocking", but it's so clumsy that it’s hard to believe the voice actors managed to record this with a straight face.

"I am the great mighty poo, and I’m going to throw my shit at you" - Conker’s Bad Fur Day

Talk about a statement of intent.

Conker was a weird little gem of a game that attracted basically everyone that was probably too young to swear (and those who were old enough to know better). It felt naughty and rude; there aren’t enough games featuring singing excrement. 

"You were almost a Jill sandwich!" - Resident Evil

Another Resi entry, mostly because it makes no sense.

Jill Valentine is nearly flattened by a trap, and Barry responds with this line.

Has he ever seen a sandwich? Is he trying to imply that Jill is the bread, or the filling? Is the trap/floor combination the bread? Either way, it’s a stupid thing to say, Barry. Shut up and shoot some zombies.

Conglaturation !!! You have completed a great game. And prooved the justice of our culture. Now go and rest our heroes ! - Ghostbusters

If you didn’t like the most recent Ghostbusters film, be glad that at least the dialogue wasn’t THIS bad.

Can you imagine Melissa McCarthy trying to pronounce all these typos? They’d never get any actual ghostbusting done.

"All your base are belong to us!" - Zero Wing

"All your base are belong to us!" - Zero Wing

Would anyone remember Zero Wing if it wasn’t for this eminently memeable line?

Unless you spent your nineties youth in an arcade slinging your pocket money at this title, probably not. It's one of those lines that's gained infamy, reaching the quotable heights of Skyrim’s "arrow to the knee" - but more irritating.

"That wizard came from the moon" - Destiny

It’s not that this line is bad, per se, it’s just… so odd.

It might just be the combination of fantasy and sci-fi that trips people up, or maybe it’s hearing television’s Tyrion Lannister say something so far-fetched - or perhaps it’s just the matter-of-fact way in which the line is delivered.

Whichever one it is, the line was subsequently removed when Bungie decided to re-record Peter Dinklage's dialogue with voice actor Nolan North. Boo.

"Fool. you challenge me with trickery. I DON’T BELIEVE IN MAAAGIIIIC. Onward!" - Dynasty Warriors 3

Dynasty Warriors has a lot of stupid, weird and badly-delivered lines that probably made a lot more sense in its original Japanese language.

This one is almost good because of its drawn-out attempt at sounding eeevil. The best you could say about this line is that at least it has a nice sort of crescendo.

We hear he's available for panto. 

"Your arrows are like you, weak and twisted. I fear them… NOT." - Tenchu Stealth Assassin

It might sound like a pretty good comeback to trash talk, but what actually happens with this line is that the voice actor reads it out like a nineties teen stereotype, complete with a pause before "...not" and everything.

Pretty weak stuff right before a boss battle.

"It was my destiny to be here, in the box." - Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

You can’t fault the Metal Gear games for trying to be quirky - it’s sort of their thing, with the results either being successful or unique.

But hearing Snake talk about how much he loves being inside cardboard boxes is maybe a step too far. Although… being inside cardboard boxes can be fun if you pretend it’s a spaceship, and you're eight years old.

"Pleeease don’t kill meee! But I suppose you have to" - Michigan: Report From Hell

"Pleeease don’t kill meee! But I suppose you have to" - Michigan: Report From Hell

The first half of this line is an impassioned plea to spare their life; the second half is a weird resignation to being murdered.

Even if you knew that your death would save millions, you probably wouldn’t want your last words to be a snivelling acceptance of your fate… would you?

"Dieeee, worms. Together with this burning ship, ahahaha!" - Grandia

Oh sure, it’s probably really hard to write a good villain speech that doesn’t come across as one big cliche - but this one is so inept that it would totally ruin the tension of the Big Bad Boss moment.

"Hold me if I'm dying… and vice versa, okay?" - Castle Shikigami II

"Hold me if I'm dying… and vice versa, okay?" - Castle Shikigami II

Quite a sweet sentiment to begin with, completely mangled by an altogether bizarre climax.

Pro tip: If you’re attempting to be super romantic to someone, don’t start dropping in phrases like "vice versa". Unless they’re a big fan of Latin and you’re really trying to impress them.

"I’ll burn you to death with these flames. How do you wanna die, rare or medium?", "Sorry, I don’t like roast pork!" - Last Alert

"I’ll burn you to death with these flames. How do you wanna die, rare or medium?", "Sorry, I don’t like roast pork!" - Last Alert

I mean… there’s some potentially good writing buried in there somewhere but it’s just so frustrating to see a food-based threat being mangled so horribly.

YOU CAN’T EAT PORK RARE. And even if you could, you can’t get rare roast meat because it’s been ROASTED. Goodness me.