Gaming

40 pieces of wisdom from the GTA series

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In 1997, the little-known Edinburgh-based video game developer DMA Design kicked up a heck of a fuss when it released a driving-based action game. The media deplored its violence, concerned parents wrote heated letters, and Grand Theft Auto began one of the greatest success stories in the entertainment industry. 

Over almost two decades and 150 million sales later, we're indulging in some Grand Theft Auto nostalgia. Why? Because we're eager for rumours to start circling on Grand Theft Auto 6, and with nothing to occupy these desires, we've turned our attention to remembering how great the series has been so far.

So here they are - the best insults, words of wisdom and 'advice' from the world of Grand Theft Auto has offered us to date. 

(Images: Rockstar)

  • Big Smoke

    "Like it says in the book... We are both blessed and cursed."

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  • Pedestrian (San Andreas)

    "You're like my asshole, always holding up shit."

  • Niko Bellic

    "War is when the young and stupid are tricked by the old and bitter into killing each other."

  • Zero

    "Excuse me, but I never take drugs. We all know drugs are for losers, and/or sex maniacs, and right now, sex is the last thing on my mind."

  • Pastor Richards

    "I'll tell you about morality. Morality is what I say is right, and immorality is what I say is wrong."

  • Michael De Santa

    "It's a foolish man who builds his house in sand, baby."

  • Carl Johnson

    "Remember, heroes get killed."

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  • Trevor Philips

    "I am diversification personified... or personification diversified."

  • Sweet Johnson

    "Man, nobody give a shit about the 'hood... All they do is sell yay and ruin the place. No crack ever made a gang tight."

  • Lazlow caller

    "Countries that don't have guns ain't American!"

  • Kenji Kasen

    "When trouble looms, the fool turns his back, while the wise man faces it down."

  • Michael De Santa

    "I'm rich, I'm miserable... I'm pretty average for this town."

  • Trevor Philips

    "You're like every other asshole. You made a bit of money, and you became a turd."

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  • Tony the Parrot

    "I never fucked anyone over I didn't have to."

  • Jan Brown

    "If you look at nature, you'll see many species that eat their children to protect them. This is especially true of hamsters."

  • Carl Johnson

    "You gotta have a secret place to plan shit... that's just how it's done!"

  • Michael De Santa

    "Surviving is winning, Franklin, everything else is bullshit. Fairy tales spun by people too afraid to look life in the eye. Whatever it takes, kid: survive."

  • Trevor Philips

    "Not much of a girlfriend if she don't like your family."

  • Tommy Smith

    "This is a plaid shirt free zone. We're rockers, people. Not lumberjacks."

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  • Tommy Smith

    "Weren't the '70s great? Back then, you could bang anything you wanted, take all the drugs you wanted, smoke, drink and hate the country. What's happening these days is a disgrace. Nobody's protesting any more, nobody can get good 'ludes and rock bands don't wear good makeup."

  • Solomon Richards

    "They say never work with children or animals. Well, I wanna add to that list: never work with actors or directors."

  • Cesar & Carl Johnson

    Carl: "Does the Pope shit in the woods?"

    Cesar: "Why you keep asking me that, holmes? I told you, i dunno. Where the holiness does his business, is his business."

  • Pastor Richards

    "You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain and simple; they eat whales, and snow, and they sleep in the freezer. Who wants to eat snow everyday?... If the people of Alaska choose to live there, let them, but don't come crying when you're tired of eating penguin and it snows 18 feet a day."

  • Street ranter

    "Hey, hey, you gotta listen to me, you gotta hear me, are you listening? It's not real man! It's a lie, it's all lies. The government lies to us. They put robots in the drinking water, they put spies in the toilets - to watch us! You think it's a joke, the joke's on you, they're killing you! You are being harvested by a marketing machine! You're not free, you're slaves! Freedom is a lie! They use drugs to control you, they did it to me for a long time. You need love! I need you, you need me, I love you! Love me back!"

  • DJ Sage

    "I hate cartoons! They're so stupid and cheery. Life is not cheery."

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  • Trevor Philips

    "Let's be clear: only an idiot joins the cops."

  • Dimitri Rascalov

    "You know, if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that we must obey the rules of the game. We can pick the game... But we cannot change the rules."

  • Trevor Philips

    "It's like... pornography or a perfect turd. I can't quite describe it, but I'll know it when I see it."

  • Radio host

    "The secret of nature is that once something is at the height of growth and beauty, it is time for it wither and die. A bit like the British empire! Look at that whole place withering and dying, right before our eyes... it's run by a Queen! And if she had a pistol she'd be the King."

  • Ken Rosenberg

    "You wouldn't know the truth if you found it banging your wife."

  • BJ Smith

    "So remember, to succeed in life, you must eliminate everything in your path, in a blind rage."

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  • Jeffrey 'OG Loc' Cross

    "I gotta protect my rep!"

  • Niko Bellic

    "Maybe if being a drunkard doesn't work out you can be a comedian."

  • Franklin

    "Fuck man, you know how it is, homie. You just start running and shit. Then all of a sudden your legs give in and you just can't run no more."

  • Dom Beasley

    "Pretend you're your dong and hang a left."

  • Devin Weston

    "Look, people used to like films. Now they like what? Videoing themselves beating off on their iFruit phones."

  • Ilyena Faustin

    "God is very complicated. You mustn't give up hope."

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  • Donald Love

    "Nothing drives down real estate prices like a good old-fashioned gang war. Apart from an outbreak of plague, but that may be going too far in this case."

  • Tommy Smith

    "I've said it before... All we need is a little patience."

  • Ken Rosenberg

    "Of course my client looks guilty. Just because he looks guilty doesn't mean he is. You look like an idiot, but that doesn't mean you are."