Fraudulent. Crooked. The embodiment of evil.
If you thought the people who run FIFA were bad, try encountering some of the players on the beloved game series from which it owes its name. These descriptions don't even do their heinous actions justice.
Then again, online or offline, even the most seasoned gamers aren't exempt from exploiting the dark (electronic) arts.
But just how many are you guilty of? Could you be a bigger monster than you thought?
Here are the biggest no-nos.
You score 'sweaty' goals
It's impossible to know how many friendships have been strained by the Sweaty Goal, otherwise known as when someone is one-on-one with the keeper and instead of shooting elects to pass sideways for an adjacent player to make a tap in. While we wouldn't completely begrudge someone using this tactic when trailing in the last minute, and the 'thinking man's sweaty' goal (the final pass as an over the top through ball, which makes for some expert volleys) isn't without its charms, it's generally best avoided at all times just to be safe.
You make your opponent watch a goal replay
Good work: you've ran from the halfway line with Kolo Toure, fizzed one into the top of the net from 30 yards, drooled over it on auto replay and now you want to see it again from five different angles? Well do so in your own time. Even Thierry Henry and Jamie Carragher have the decency to wait until halftime before messing with their oversized iPad. Have some class.
Making excuses as soon as you are losing
One of the buttons on that gnarled controller suddenly not responsive? Oh, are the game mechanics really off from the last one? Oh okay, why don’t you email the game designers over at at EA Sports, PO Box who gives a sh*t?
You attempt to get every player sent off and have the match abandoned
Just because today’s uppity breed of FIFA official dole out more cards than Hallmark doesn’t give you licence to repeatedly go through the back of other players in last ditch attempts to get the match abandoned. For too long has this been the plan B of those not skillful enough to mount a comeback - and the B most certainly stands for bastards.
You look at your friend's controller while playing penalties
Backs toward one another like Roger Moore and Christopher Lee in The Man with the Golden Gun. PlayStation controllers at ten paces. No quarter given. Some people may wonder why the need for such drastic swivels of the hips during a FIFA penalty shootout, let alone those paranoid glances. And here’s the answer: there are still far too many cheats lurking out there.
You pause during someone else's touch
When you're losing narrowly, watching the clock tick down faster than Theo Walcott on Red Bull isn’t easy. Those digital minutes are never kind, and as keen as you are to make some changes, there's no excuse to pause during your rival's touch. First time offenders may be able to get away with it; everyone else should know better.
You quit online matches halfway through
There's a special place in Hull reserved for people who resort to this when losing. That wasn't a typo.
You start showboating when two or more goals up
Oh great, having scrapped your way to a barely deserved two goal cushion you suddenly begin to bring the party tricks out, bashing buttons with gleeful abandon and even bringing out the keeper for a mazy dribble before bricking it at the halfway line and booting it out of play. At the risk of sounding bitter, doing as much with a hefty lead just doesn't provide the requisite danger to warrant this many pony tricks. If you were that good you'd have done it all game.
You won't reveal the controls to a newbie
Employing that Jürgen Klopp-like gegenpress is all well and good - you’ve spent hours refining it and by God you’re going to use it. But not telling an opponent how to do something as simple as pass and tackle properly while you compress their team like The Terminator would a can of Lucozade? Shame on you.
Going to the corner flag with a few minutes to go when you're winning
Calm down, this isn't a real cup final. We've all been guilty of parking the pixelated bus at one time or another, but this is akin to crashing the bus into a deep ravine, seeing it go up in flames and leaving the driver for dead. A surefire way of handing your opponent the moral victory if you ask us.
Counting a win on penalties as an actual win?
Don't be stupid. Go back to Pro Evo.