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10 signs you’re the worst kind of Super Smash Bros player

Posted by
Jose Cardoso
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Sure, you could button bash your way through Super Smash Bros. if you really wanted. But the most irksome players of Nintendo's classic brawler - the ones you wanted to throttle with a controller cable - would detect a weakness in your play style and incorporate what could be seen as some pretty cheap shots.

Exploiting stage gimmicks - like taking Mushroom Kingdom's floating platforms out of play or planting Motion-Sensor Bombs on the sole acid-proof platform in Planet Zebes - wouldn't typically cause debate, but certain tactics came with the caveat that your comrades would think less of you and your triumphs for implementing them on the regular.

Respect and bragging rights were everything in Super Smash Bros., and if you're guilty of the following behaviours outlined by Nintendo veteran Jose Cardoso, best you don't challenge your mates to another game any time soon.

  • 10 signs you're the worst kind of Super Smash Bros player

    You rely on electricity when motor skills would suffice

    Pikachu's Thunder attack is especially useful on stages that feature platforms, such as Dream Land, as he can effectively manage the higher plane from a defensive position.

    But, somehow, you turn this signature move into an expression of laziness, carelessly using it underneath crates, barrels, and Bob-ombs to trigger explosions.

    Your reasoning: "If I can't have those items, no one can!" But if you wanted the items so badly, prying them open with a throw would've been the more logical choice...

  • 10 signs you're the worst kind of Super Smash Bros player 1

    You stand near edges to prepare egg traps

    When playing as Yoshi, you tend to linger by stage boundaries - but not for the purposes of edge guarding.

    No, you're facing the opposite direction, readying your tongue to briefly contain an opponent in an egg. Normally, this tactic isn't too disruptive, since the victim can break free fairly quickly, but it can do more harm on stages like Planet Zebes, where the rising acid is a constant threat, and Yoshi's Island, where the outer cloud platforms can make recovery challenging.

    Baiting friends into threatening situations is what you live for, after all. You monster.

  • 10 signs you're the worst kind of Super Smash Bros player 2

    You enjoy making bumper traps on Saffron City

    The two narrow vertical passages are Saffron City's best feature, as it leads to some tight situations - the kind where aerial smashes dominate. Keeping a rival pinned down as if they were struggling for oxygen makes for a tense phase of combat, but bumpers are a less taxing method of accomplishing the same feat. It's also evil.

    Chucking a bumper at the wall opposite to a tower will prompt a bouncing effect as the item heads downward... until the trapped rival knocks it into place, thus making death unavoidable. Just having a bumper in your possession is enough reason for other players to be cautious, knowing the kind of trap-setter you are.

  • 10 signs you're the worst kind of Super Smash Bros player 3

    You let the Arwing do the attacking on Sector Z

    Although there's a lot of space to roam on Sector Z, the regular Arwing appearances police the battle so that no player remains stalled for too long.

    They usually just get in the way of a good combo - which normally would have you think Slippy's at the helm, but not when the piloting is so reliable.

    To you, they are your personal, time-crunched bodyguards, and that gives you license to rely on their protective firepower, standing atop their cockpits as they fly in for an assist. You dub it "a coordinated attack" as you tauntingly wait for the mystery pilot to teach your enemies a lesson in stage ownership. But you soon remember it's not a Sonic-and-Tails partnership, as the Arwing zips away with you still on it. “WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!”

  • 10 signs you're the worst kind of Super Smash Bros player 4

    You're one for mutually-assured Kirby destruction

    One rival stands in your way of victory.

    You've got two lives, but they've only got one.

    So you invite them into your mouth for a trip over the cliff edge. It will mean dying, sure, but you're both so far down that when your victim involuntarily emerges from their prison, victory is guaranteed thanks to your remaining stock.

    If you want to assure victory through suicide, leave me out of it.

  • 10 signs you're the worst kind of Super Smash Bros player 5

    You keep initiating slumber parties - with no takers

    Landing a well-timed lullaby provokes short-lived celebration and unhindered smash attacks - but when you play as Jigglypuff, you treat Super Smash Bros. like it's a talent competition - one that you've lost and are bitter about.

    So you keep singing... and singing. As you descend from a cloud on Yoshi's Island. Or get launched from a Barrel Cannon on Kongo Jungle. All the while, everyone is staying away because you keep tipping them off, secretly embarrassed by how you spoil the art of sleep paralysis.

  • 10 signs you're the worst kind of Super Smash Bros player 6

    You live for that one corner on Hyrule Castle

    If you're unsure which of your friends is most deserving of your wrath, Hyrule Castle is the ideal place to determine your arch nemesis.

    The lowered section on the far right attracts all manner of abuses, from ground-pound drum sessions to PK Fire pits. If not the green arch, then the wall next to it is your favourite place for setting up a continual attack.

    Befriending that cramped area is risky business, as it leaves you susceptible to sudden tornado spawns and faraway attacks of an explosive nature. But you're probably too focused on keeping a rhythm to concern yourself with that.

  • 10 signs you're the worst kind of Super Smash Bros player 7

    You thrash Chansey at every opportunity

    When Chansey shoots out from the roof access on Saffron City, it means finding unexpected prizes (Super Smash Bros.' alternate Party Ball), but for some, it's also an opportunity to unleash pent-up anger, using pile drivers and forceful punches to send her flying out.

    What did the docile creature do to deserve such hostile treatment?!

  • 10 signs you're the worst kind of Super Smash Bros player 8

    You presumptuously steal lives without asking

    Team battles in Super Smash Bros. are most interesting when there are disjointed dynamics between players. Experienced players might not object to reviving a partner who squandered their stock with late recoveries and risky item play, but you should never assume this occasional courtesy is an established rule. And you definitely shouldn't take a life from your struggling teammate when they're at a high percentage!

    It helps to define rules beforehand so there's no expectation of being saved from the shame of an unflattering run, but some will still go against pre-made agreements and steal lives regardless. Dagnabbit, you Nabbit-in-training.

  • 10 signs you're the worst kind of Super Smash Bros player 9

    You spam taunts inappropriately

    After a power hit sends someone star-bound, taunts are acceptable brags to say, "Hey, I did that. Come at me!" But there's a difference between flagging KOs and inviting gang-ups. Case in point: running to the opposite end of Great Fox on Sector Z and taunting like mad.

    It has its place in bringing out the humour - especially when things take a karmic end - but when it becomes a feature of your play style, at some point you're using taunts to substitute for actual comeuppance.

    "Show me your moves"? You should follow your own catchphrase.

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Jose Cardoso

Freelance writer with a knack for dedicated Nintendo coverage and spotlighting the quirky, niche & overlooked.

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