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There’s a new app for opening bottles because everyone is lazy now

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Gary Ogden
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Ugh. I’ve gotta open a bottle using my hands? What is this, the stone age? What am I? A dinosaur? God, everything is so hard nowadays, life is so TIRESOME.

I say the above sentence a good two times a day, sometimes 23 times – depends on how many bottled drinks I’m buying, I guess. What I’m trying to say here is that opening bottles is so unbelievably tough, boring and not fucking worth my time, that I’m considering never buying a bottled drink ever again.

That’s why, today, I’m feeling extremely happy because I have seen the following video:

That thing that happens to that girl at the beginning of that video I think happens to everybody, all the time, so this app is definitely 100% needed.

Essentially, this time-saving invention consists of a huge, unwieldy device that fits over the top of your bottle, enabling it to be opened using an app on your smartphone. You can even control multiple bottle openers at once, should you want to open your mate’s when he’s holding it upside down or something, as a “joke”. Another capability is the option to set a timer, so you can have a drink ready for you on your bedside table in the morning, much like you would have if you’d taken off the lid before you went to bed.

OF COURSE IT IS VERY POSSIBLE THAT THIS IS ONE HUGE JOKE but let’s take it as face value, because everything that is real is actually ridiculous at the moment, anyway. Also, talking of face value:

If using this contraption enables me to justifiably display the above level of smarm, I pray to God it’s real.

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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