We'll start with the bad news. The Noke U-Lock can't do you tax return for you. Nor is it intelligent enough to even remember Pi to 15 decimal places.
However, by connecting to your smartdevice via Bluetooth, the Noke (as in, "no key") U-Lock is without question one of the smartest ways you can look after your beloved set of wheels.
With the connection established, whenever you want to unlock your Noke, you simply click a large button on the lock. It will then scan for your phone to make sure it's really you, before unlocking. But that's only the start of its tricks.
If you're leaving your bike in a shady part of town, you can set an alarm to sound if anyone tampers with the Noke for more than three seconds - putting off any would-be thieves with a shrill cry that can be heard from 50 metres.
A GPS tracker also lets you work out exactly where you parked your bike before going out for "only one drink" - and should you happen to lose your phone, you can still get to your bike with a handy quick click code entry system. There's a share option as well, letting your mate borrow your bike if you share your Noke details with them. But if all of the 'smart' talk puts you off, you can stick to opening it with a wireless key fob.
You can put in an order for a Noke U-Lock via Kickstarter, where the project has already doubled its $100,000 goal. Pledges start from around £72, with first deliveries expected in September.
Until then, you'll just have to manage with your old, slow, entirely stupid U-Lock. Grandad.