To borrow the phrase of Brian Flanagan: "I make things with juice and froth; the pink squirrel, the three-toed sloth. I make drinks so sweet and snazzy; the iced tea, the kamakazi, the orgasm, the death spasm, the Singapore sling, the dingaling."
Or if you can't be bothered, you can get one of these.
The Bartesian is the ultimate solution for the cocktail for the lazy age of the Nespresso cheat. Four reservoirs, filled with your preference of vodka, gin, rum and tequila, surround a Nespresso-like capsule unit.
To create a cocktail, pop in a ready-made capsule of mixer ingredients, adjust the strength of your poison (alcohol content, not actual poison) and hit "Make". Seconds later, you'll have a drink that might taste a bit like the thing you ordered.
Created with the idea of "liberating" cocktails for those uninitiated in the art of mixology, the Bartesian isn't an attack on traditional cocktail mixing, but a shortcut to educating people in how cocktails are thrown together. Currently seeking funding on Kickstarter, its creators have come up with six cocktail pods for launch - Margarita, Sex on the Beach, Cosmopolitan, Bartesian Breeze, Uptown Rocks and Zest Martini - with plans for more mixes in the works.
The gadget also features a traditional shaker, for those cocktails that might require some manual labour, god forbid.
Set for launch in April 2016, you can put in an order for a Bartesian for around £160.
Or you could just learn how to mix a cocktail, you lazy bum.