Items curated by Itunu Oke
If you could eat clothes (which you can, but I wouldn’t advise it) then the tastiest, juiciest, most lip-smacking items would be below. Like, treat this as a menu in a Michelin-starred restaurant - peruse on down, saliva running wild, and then pick which ones you want to eat. Then eat them.
By “eat”, I mean “wear”, of course. Like, eating a whole pair of shorts would be entirely maniacal, but if you could, there’s a pair below that you should. But don’t. Don’t eat the shorts.
Anyway, enjoy today’s specials:
Yes, advisable to wear on your legs and not to eat, these not-too-long boardshorts come in brown. Which, when you think about it, is a colour you have never seen on swimming shorts, is it? Never once have you seen a brown pair of shorts on anyone who is about to bomb into a nice blue pool. So why not be the first person to do it? Grab your brown boardshorts, head up to that top board, slip over at the end, get them caught on the edge and flash everyone your arse as you tumble into the water below. You can’t skip a year doing this, it’s tradition.
This is what the scientists refer to as A Very Very Nice Shirt. Flowy, a little lairy and sporting that all-important revere collar to show off that smooth clavicle of yours. It’s worth forcing open your creaking wallet for this - that’s a print that’ll never go out of style.
If you don’t look good in hats (Hi, nice to meet you, let’s be mates), then don’t force one onto your head - if the very act of looking at you in one makes others feel uneasy, then it’s best to just swerve the endeavour entirely. However, if you’ve tried and tested the formula, then this lovely little cord number is an absolute banger to grab. Now that is a cap.
Loafers don’t come much smoother than this. Like, you will fully have to spend a good deal of time picking your occasions on which to wear them, but pick the right one (an event that doesn’t have a jot of dirt within a five mile radius of it) and you’ve won. You’ve won the occasion. You’ve got the best shoes on. Everyone in agreement, all clapping, some fainting, a unified collective marvel at the competition-beating shoes on your feet. Lordy these babies are spicy.
Look, if Gosling’s done it, you should be fine. Shirts with piped trims can look a bit like pyjamas, but then that’s the trend, bozo - take a risk and as long as you pair it with clothes that are 100% not pyjamas, it’ll work as a daring but stylish addition.
Look, tan trainers are a yes, always. If you don’t own at least one pair on the beige side of things, then you’re doing things wrong. This very simple silhouette may look a tad unassuming were it in, say, white, but bang it up a notch and sand the bastard up, and you’re on the money. Look how gosh darn comfy they look, too - imagine how far your eyes would roll back as you slipped your feet into these whoppers - you’d be able to see your brain.
“Green? I’m not in the army!” you might say to the confused and possibly offended shop assistant. So what? Olive is the kind of colour that should grace at least one item in your wardrobe, and if we’re going for specifics, then a cargo-ish shirt is near the top. Pair with a slim pair of dark blue jeans and smart white trainers and you’ll be on top of things.
Chunky trainers are not everyone’s bag, but if you’re fully on-board with the movement, then this none-too-ridiculous pair will have those fingers just itching to press “Add to shopping basket”. Go on, press it, I dare you. Think how happy you’ll be when they arrive. You could even sneak into the toilets at work and swap them over so that you can wear them on the way home. That’s exciting, ain’t it? Going into work in one pair of shoes and leaving in another. You’re like Superman or something. Sneakerman? Come up with your own name - I don’t decide your future.