Grooming

Here’s what your barber secretly thinks about you

Posted by
Jamie Carson
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Ever been sat in the barber chair, looked up at the person cutting your hair, and wondered what they're thinking of? They're inside your personal space, so they must be thinking something about you.

If this has never crossed your mind, we apologise for injecting a fresh dose of paranoia into your brain and causing the ruination of you and your barber's relationship.

As we've crossed that line, you'll probably be keen to know what's on their mind, right? Well we asked a few top barbers to anonymously tell us exactly what they're contemplating when you're in for a trim.

You might want to brace yourselves. The truth cuts deep.

"You swear way too much. I'm not a taxi driver, don't assume I'm going to enjoy having you dropping the f-bomb like you're down the pub with your mates. This is a workplace like any other."

"No, don't worry about being late, that's fine. Yes, please go to the toilet for a further 5 minutes, you’re the only person we have in today..."

"Deodorant isn't that expensive. I’m getting so close to you, so please know that any unwanted body odour just makes my job that bit harder."

"Partners should not come to a barbershop. It's a man’s ‘me time’. They’re only just going to tell us it's too short and not let him have what he wants."  

"Phone away, please. I'm well aware Gavin needs to Whatsapp you his whereabouts for the meet up, but I need to access your entire head, not just the back of it. If you really need to text someone, it's fine - just ask."

"Sort out your crusty scalp, we’d like to deal with clean hair if it’s not too much trouble." 

"So, you want your hair long but short do you? Please get out of the chair and come back when you know what you want. Do you go into a bank, get to the counter and then ruminate over your transaction? No."

"You seem to think we're magicians and ask for a hairstyle that’s impossible, like a big quiff when you have a three strand comb over. You need to be realistic."

"Wondering how we never cut ourselves when cutting really fast? We accidentally cut ourselves all the time without you realising. We don't even realise ourselves sometimes."

"Barbers get a lot of hair splinters! It's like tiny little knives in our fingers. So if we wince, that's why."

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Jamie Carson

When he’s not pretending to be on the front of an album cover, Online Style Writer Jamie Carson can probably be found criticising your fashion credentials. Follow Jamie on Twitter @_jamie89

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