I don’t know about you, but my house is getting really cold. Call it hereditary thriftiness, but there’s no way that I could turn the heating on in early September without feeling like my dad might emerge from one of the walls ready to give me a bollocking.
The only thing left is to absolutely perfect my round-the-house attire.
I live in a shared house with my girlfriend and three other people: that’s far too many people to just be wearing a pair of old football shorts and a moth-bitten T-shirt that’s been in circulation since the Indie Landfill.
You might be thinking, “Oh, but Sam, surely it doesn’t matter what I wear at home? Nobody will see me there, nobody important; just some people with whom I share a living situation and therefore an implicit agreement that, while they may see me at my off-duty worst, they must never mention this to anyone outside of our particular social nucleus.” And to that I say: “Actually, yeah it does a bit.”
Legendary designer Hardy Amies (who I just googled) once said: “A man should look as if he has bought his clothes with intelligence, put them on with care, and then forgotten all about them.” For my money, this includes what you wear in private, too: what better way to stave off the bleakness of shared accommodation than by looking absolutely fantastic in a way that seems totally effortless and comfortable? As Scottish poet Robert Burns (who I also just googled) said: “Nae better.”
So what do you need? Let’s break your household style into three characters: The Guy Who’s Been To The Gym A Bit, The Adult With His Shit Together, and The One Who Wants To Look Nice But Also Not Have Anyone Pay Any Attention To Him Because This Hangover Is, Honestly, Absolutely Killing.
The Guy Who’s Been To The Gym A Bit
Or ‘The Cheekiest Nando’. This selection is the ultimate in Essex loungewear – Essex itself being a loungewear Mecca – and the Ralph Lauren jersey shorts and white tennis socks exude both a Rocky-ish vibe and a sense that you’ve got a nose for quality. You’re the grunting guy in the gym with the lumbar pain to prove it, but you’ve got brains as well as brawn. The burgundy adidas X By O T-shirt is a nice touch (even if I do say so myself) because it’s sportswear but not; it’s an athletically-cut, athletically-manufactured piece of gear that looks better than a T-shirt despite being, for all intents and purposes, just a T-shirt. Oh, and get some new adidas slides because i) clearly you’ve got a boner for matchy-matchy and also ii) verrucas ain’t nothing to fuck with.
The Adult With His Shit Together
Or “I have googled wine and now I like wine”. Well look at you. You’re doing awfully well for yourself, aren’t you? Nothing feels quite as classy as chilling in a pair of luxury cotton pyjamas – you’re like James Stewart in one of those films he was in at some point, probably. Nobody does it better than Derek Rose – their designs at once classic and fun – and its cotton is warm but not too warm, leaving the tricky “Do I wear underwear with nice pyjamas?” question open to your particular interpretation. Get a big ol’ French stick, some red pepper hummus, a book you just about understand but don’t quite enjoy, and a bottle of Waitrose chianti. You’re an adult now: don’t let anyone forget it.
The One Who Wants To Look Nice But Also Not Have Anyone Pay Any Attention To Him Because This Hangover Is, Honestly, Absolutely Killing Him
Or “Tony Soprano deluxe”. You’ve behaved quite poorly: your last twelve hours have been marred by a succession of bad choices – too much expensive beer, too much cheap food, too little water, too much falling asleep fully clothed and face down. Now it’s time to practice some self-care. First off: get up and shower because you smell like literal hell. Change into some new, reasonably expensive boxers – I know what you’re thinking: “How fucking much? For pants? You’ve gone wrong.” But don’t knock it ‘til you try it; a pair of 30 quid underwear is like a little holiday for your bollocks, honest – by Derek Rose; a thick and soothing terry robe by Cleverly Laundry – an Aussie loungewear brand, not an ex-Man United midfielder’s questionable new venture; and a clean, well-cut white T-shirt. Now you’re ready to face, if not the world, at least stepping outside to grab a paper and a can of Diet Lilt from the newsagents. Tony would be proud.
(Main Image: HBO)