Sometimes, on rare occasions, I do actively wish I wasn’t single. I feel jealousy hovering nearby when I think of couples with no weekend plans and a special someone to use as a watertight excuse for anything they don’t want to do, any time they like.
Then, things like avocado proposals come into my consciousness, and equilibrium returns. I can also spend the weekend doing nothing, watching whatever I want. I don’t at any point, ever, have to pay National Rail £90 to traipse to some far flung part of the country to a partner’s relative’s 90th birthday party.
But, hark! I hear you cry (real tears) what is an avocado proposal? Well it’s like a real proposal, of marriage, that lots of people do, but it’s done by twats. Falling in love isn’t for losers, showing your love is brave and noble, proposing marriage takes nerve and should be applauded if that’s what you really want. However, if you propose with a ring inside an avocado, you have never known love.
People have started proposing with the ring inside an avocado. Like this guy:
Yeah don’t worry about ensuring it’s still green mate. The aesthetics don’t matter, I bet your partner loved being proposed to with a moulding fruit. If you proposed with any other mouldy fruit you’d be single again quicker than you could say ‘Why the fuck are you proposing to me with a mouldy fruit?’
If an avocado is the physical manifestation of your in-jokes, your relationship nuances - the romantic pinnacle on which to balance this inevitable tipping point in your bestial union, you need to go back and start again.
Avocados have become a pastiche of themselves, they’re still tasty, and it’s not their fault. But hipsters have ruined them for the many. They have gone round all the stages of being cool, and they are now basic. Keep up. Do not propose with a ring inside one. Do not make this a thing. We know you’ve replaced the avocado stone, with your stone, we get it. But stop.
Please, by all means, smash it onto your toast, make it look pretty on your plate on Instagram, help avocado farmers and gorge yourself to death on the things, visit avocado themed eating establishments if you absolutely must. Just remember two things, don’t use an avocado in place of burger buns, and don’t bring love into this. Some things are still sacred. For now.