As Ferris Bueller put it, "fashion moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could look like an absolute arse."
Indeed, since the dawn of time, man has strived to keep up with the sartorial order of the day. But rather than list all the trends men have followed over the course of history (shrewdly-placed leaf, a cape made of tiger skin, toga), we thought we'd bring you a more modern list of fads that shouldn't have been a thing.
Somewhere in here, you're going to find guilt and shame. Enjoy.
This was a thing. Someone, somewhere knows this was definitely a thing. Whoever made it a thing should have been shot.
If you’re wondering what Andre Agassi, Barry Venison and Pat Sharp have in common, it’s that they’re thoroughly detestable human beings. They also all shared one horrible hairstyle known as the mullet, once big in the late eighties and early nineties and now merely the preserve of US rednecks married to their immediate cousins.
Back in the summer of 2004, it seemed everyone sported one of these garbled yellow pieces of plastic. Even blatant drug cheats. We’re not sure why the 80 million people who bought them don't wear them anymore…
‘This isn’t Coachella, mate. It’s Croydon’. We may be powerless to stop men being influenced by modern-day raconteurs like Jeremy Piven (pictured), this douchebag piece of headgear now appears to be on the way out – thankfully.
Oh the eighties, how you made us laugh, teasing us with fashion accessories that only the lamest of kids would ever invest in. Well, that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles edition wasn’t going to wear itself was it? And to think we got through this whole segment without saying fanny pack.
So vast are the numbers of female hipsters championing dungarees right now, trendy parts of East London can resemble painter and decorator conventions. Gallingly, they sort of get away with it. Men, on the other hand, don’t. Not that it stopped any of our favourite boy bands from once trying.
Question: how do you get from regular schmo to unbearable festival-going douchebag with impaired eyesight in five seconds? Easy, put out some Shutter Shades and attempt to talk to people. Yeezus Christ they were bad.
Just no. That goes for kipper ties, too.
On 20 July 1969, we put a man on the moon. By 1997 we’d put him in popper pants. Whatever did the likes of Adidas, Kappa and the two-striped knock-off Adidas think they’d achieve by giving us tracksuit bottoms that come apart? Unless you happened to be a stripper, they were massively impractical.
Even all these years on, it’s hard to understand why Adam Ant and other acts of the New Romantic wave looked like Napoleon Bonaparte wearing drag. We’d understand if Abba did it – Waterloo was a tune.
Cute on nineties rascals like Hanson and the lad from Home Improvement, we’ll give you that. But quite how grown men like David Beckham thought they could get away with it beggars belief.
Who likes short shorts? Footballers of the seventies and eighties and that’s about it really.
Poor Justin Timberlake – who looks slightly like spawn of Chandler from Friends in this picture – who has effectively become the poster boy of late nineties fashion faux pas, exemplified by these immaculately frosted tips.
Unless your surname happened to be ‘Knievel’, ‘Diamond’ or ‘Presley’, no man should have been within a thousand yards of a jumpsuit back in the day. Fine on stage in front of thousands, sure, throw on some more jewels why don’t you? But quite simply a public disorder offence anywhere else.
Given he’s played some of the most stylish badass mother*ckers to emerge from Quentin Tarantino’s oeuvre - one being a chap who wears a backwards Kangol hat - Samuel L Jackson is just about the only man who looks cool wearing a backwards Kangol hat. Not you though, or the umpteen others who attempted to copy him in the late nineties.
The Japanese top-knot
A recent trend this one, the Japanese top-knot is about to die a slow and painful death because its owners are starting to realise they've committed fashion Hara-Kiri. That, and it’s making them go bald.
We said we would keep this list semi-contemporary. We lied. All the rage for showmen of the thirties, the Zoot Suit was born by tailors in Harlem, creating a suit specifically to be worn with jacket arms that reach the fingers and pants worn tight at the waist. And if you’re thinking of The Mask, then sorry: wearing one won’t actually bag you Cameron Diaz.
Ever cruised along a Minnesota highway in an eighteen-wheeler? We thought not. So quite what you were thinking by that Von Dutch cap back in the early noughties is beyond us. Particularly JT, back when he was actually called JT.
Wife-beater and cardigan combo
It’s 2006. The Kooks have just released the album they’ll still be playing at festivals 10 years later. They’re also donning an unthreatening combination of plunging wife-beater vests and Topman cardigans. Where’s the harm in that? Oh, that's right, everyone in the indie disco showed up wearing the same thing.
Hailed as the ‘all-in-one fashion phenomenon’ back in 2013 when everyone from Tom Daley to Brad bleeding Pitt had been spotting slinking around in these infantilised suits, the biggest gripe involved where the hell you put your wallet. But when you’re the world’s most famous actor, we guess someone else carries it.