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You’ve got less than a month to spend all your old fivers

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Gary Ogden
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You know those new fivers, the ones made out of cow guts or something, well, they’re like the grey squirrel of the money world. They were introduced to completely take the place of the old, boring, paper, non-guts ones, and they are doing exactly that. In a month’s time, all your old fivers will be obsolete – you won’t be able to legally use them and you’ll get laughed out of the corner shop if you try. So you’ve got until 5 May to get spending.

Here are some things you could spend your last fiver on:

Two bags of Haribo Starmix

Two bags of Haribo Tangfastics

One bag of Haribo Goldbears and one bag of Haribo Super Mix

One bag of Haribo Giant Strawbs and one bag of Haribo Jelly Babies, or Maynards Jelly Babies (depends which ones you like best, really)

One pack of condoms from a vending machine and one bag of Haribo Starmix, aka the best solo night ever

A handful of clay with a rare Pog in it, bought off a smelly man in a pub for some reason

There’s loads of stuff, really – you can buy loads of stuff. If you’ve got two fivers, imagine how much Haribo you could buy then? The possibilities are endless – just make sure you use it in person, because you cannot spend actual fivers online.

Also, don’t actually worry about this, because if, after 5 May, you realise that you have a load of fivers left (you’ve been lining your balling hamster’s cage with them), you can still get the money back. Banks will still swap them out for a new, soaked-in-the-blood-of-an-innocent-cow one for the rest of time.

But that’s just fivers, your tenners will soon become useless, when a new one featuring Jane Austen is introduced soon, which will presumably be made from an endangered rhino’s foreskin or something.

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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