You know that thing, right, when you go to the supermarket to buy a jam jar, but then you get there and they’re all, like, full of jam? It’s the worst, isn’t it?
It’s been going on for years now – maybe centuries even – shops keep trying to sell us jam jars stuffed full of delicious, gooey jam, and it’s just not on. It’s an outrage. Who do these people think we are? Idiots?
Well thank the lord for Waitrose, who have finally decided to do the decent thing, and treat us like the smart, discerning human beings we are. They are now allowing us to buy nice, clean, empty jam jars for only a little bit more than we’d usually pay for one that’s full of jam. Thank you, Waitrose!
No more will we have to spend day after day spreading tasty, fruity jam onto our toast in the mornings – those days are over! I for one will be heading down to my local branch almost immediately to spend a cool £2 on an empty jar, while simultaneously shoving my middle finger up at the £1.71 full jars across the aisle. Sure, it might be tempting to spend that 29p less and end up with a jar of actual, edible food, but I’m no mug. What else would I be doing with that 29p, huh? Exactly, nothing, so I’m going to use it to make sure I have precisely zero jam in my jar full of jam, because I am a smart modern man who is winning at life.
Jam expert Cheryl Gooseberry is extremely troubled by Waitrose’s new move. She told us: “This really could spell the end of the jam industry, and I’m devastated. It surely can’t be long before more and more supermarkets start cottoning on to this genius plan of selling jamless jam for a slight mark up, and then we’ll be finished. No more jam for anyone.
“What if jam jar manufacturers start refusing to sell their jars to jam makers, and the jam makers have to find an alternative way of storing their jam? They can’t put it in paper bags, it’ll just go everywhere. Could we sell it in big bottles like they do with milk? Maybe, but that would be probably be too much jam. No one wants two litres of jam, do they?
Precisely, Cheryl. Give us a nice pot of air every day of the week, jam’s occupation of our nation’s jars is over.