Tracking the soaring stocks and junk bonds of social media, helping you to invest carefully and speculate wisely. (By Rhodri Marsden)
Falling: "Twitter walls"
Flatlining: Jeremy Kyle
Actually heard Jeremy Kyle ask this yesterday: "Have you, since your relationship started, had sexual contact with your Great Uncle Ian?"— mydogminton (@mydogminton) June 23, 2010
I'm watching jeremy kyle yay— Wednesday Wallsworth (@awallsworth) May 29, 2013
looks like I'm watching Jeremy Kyle show- that's how you know I've hit rock bottom.— abii (@abiishyannee) May 29, 2013
Can't decide whether to unpack or work, so I'm watching Jeremy Kyle.— Ragni (@MissFinden) May 29, 2013
Having managed to get about four hours sleep last night, and having spent a portion of this morning sitting on a bus with my face pressed against a misted up window while having a deeply unsatisfactory nap, it feels like the right time to salute the majesty of @SleepyCommuters. This valuable service provides us with regular reminders that people sometimes have no choice but to have a little rest in public, despite making themselves vulnerable to bastards with cameras:
And vulnerable to people who like nicking newly unboxed gadgets:
By following @SleepyCommuters, you can marvel at the positions that some people are able to sleep in:
Wonder whether the person might actually be dead:
Initiate discussions over whether drool and dribble are the same thing:
And gasp in astonishment at people who appear to have got undressed before they embark on their little snooze:
Of course, all these pictures raise very real concerns about the privacy of individuals, the role of cameraphones in modern life and the stealthy rise of a Big Brother society where we're all being watched by each other, oh hang on, look at this bloke, hahah, brilliant.
It's rare that anyone on Twitter takes an interest in a home and business energy provider that claims to supply gas and electricity at competitive prices. But EDF Energy managed to meander onto our radar last night in the wake of the horrific attack on the soldier in Woolwich, by making repeated and emphatic denials that it had anything to do with the EDL, to people who knew that they had nothing to do with the EDL.
The first accusation came from @dannywatty:
And lastly @joshweller:
Anyway, I hope that's cleared up. Watch out for similar denials from the British Nursing Association next time the BNP mounts a by-election bid.
Twitter can get a bit much. I mean, all those people posting a steady stream of weak puns – it's enough to make you want to blast your own face off with a blunderbuss. After first having sourced a blunderbuss.
Which, let me tell you, isn't easy in the year 2013. There are none on eBay. Only this 1:12 Scale Unpainted Metal Blunderbuss Dolls House Miniature Accessory, which you'd be lucky to extract a bogey with, never mind blast your own face off.
Many people decide to steal away quietly from Twitter, dissolving into the night with nary a word. That's the dignified way. Others prefer to say that they're about to go, then check their replies to see how many people wish they'd stay. It's the classic social media flounce; the equivalent of loudly announcing that you're going to leave a party and then standing next to the door with your coat over your arm and craning your neck to see if anyone's noticed.
I'm leaving twitter for a while.— Miko (Dead) (@Miko_Prime) May 22, 2013
If you've ever wanted to say anything to me, now's the time. I'm leaving Twitter.— diana 4 (@blueforhim) May 21, 2013
And then, when you realise no-one could give a monkey's, putting your coat back on the hook and sauntering back into the party as if nothing had happened.
Then there are the people who mentally flounce, but fail to tell anyone about their flounce until they change their mind and decide not to flounce after all:
Hey everyone, I've decided not to leave Twitter. I thought about it and I have to many friends to just leave behind. I'm staying! :)— Joe (@SirJoeGamer) May 19, 2013
And then there are those who make unnecessary commitments never to flounce again:
But let's leave the final word to @themanwhofell, who posted this tweet just over a year ago and in doing so painted himself so tightly into a social media corner that he's unable to return to Twitter, lest he spoil the perfection of his final tweet.