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These kids have got hands down the greatest fancy dress costumes ever made

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Gary Ogden
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These kids have got hands-down the greatest fancy dress costumes ever made

You have never seen anything this good, and you never will again

Transformers, what a show, and what a part of many of our childhoods. Careering across the garden, shouting “Autobots, transform and ROLL OUT!”, then going “cuhskchuusckueusckskcxxuu” and crouching down, I’m a car now. Ah, the memories.

Shame then, that it was, and is, very hard to make the human body look like a car, or for that matter, a truck or a plane. You see, we’ve got legs and arms and necks and stuff, ruining the illusion, and any Argos-bought Optimus Prime costume simply made you look like him in robot form - it didn’t let you perform the all-important transforming. That was the most important bit, and the one that would really score you the most phone numbers on the playground.

Unless of course, you were one of the following kids, who have hands-down the best Transformer costumes of all time, and are therefore the luckiest children to have ever lived. Look at this and then realise, yes: your childhood was an unending nightmare.

Never have I ever been so jealous.

*Entire universe drinks*

That is extremely good engineering, that is. Whoever has made these magical outfits should not be wasting time on creating things for kids that personally attack my childhood, and instead concentrate on saving our planet with their genius. Either that or make me one, the dismal bastards.

The kids also have it worryingly down pat - an amateur may not perform the maneuver so seamlessly as they:

Just lying there expecting it all to transform around you - this is not how it works. You must take lessons from the Holy Trinity above you. That is how you transform and proverbially ‘roll out’.

Of course, if you fancy knocking all the show-offs down a peg or two, and are feeling particularly jealous and spiteful towards three small children, then simply ask them to ‘drive’ and watch them scuff their dumb hairless knees all up, the nerds.

(Image: Getty)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though. @garyblogden

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