OK, I honestly now think I’ve seen it all. That’s it. I’m done. It’s over.
We know all about the more serious side of toxic masculinity - how it can lead men to reject and bottle up their feelings, degrade women and gay men and refuse all forms of help.
But there’s also the other, more outlandishly ridiculous side of it - the one which makes certain men refuse to use scented body wash, only buy shampoo that looks like bottled petrol and… not wipe their bums properly, apparently.
Yes, the obscene nature of toxic masculinity has reached its peak, after we found out that some men are so scared to touch the area in between their cheeks that they are not wiping their arses, and therefore walking around in broad daylight smelling like the back end of a camel.
This frankly horrifying discovery was made by film producer Keith Calder on Twitter, who uncovered three separate examples on Reddit of real-life grown men not understanding how to go to the toilet properly. Put me in a bin and kick it down a hill. I’m finished.
We’ll break them down for you story by story, starting with a story about a man somehow has a wife. After you read this, you’ll have no idea how either:
OK, first things first, dump this man. I don’t care that you’ve made a promise to each other to remain together for better for worse until death do you part, this is worse than worse. This is worst, and you need to break up with his shitty ass immediately.
Now that’s out the way, where do we even start here? The stained pants? Has this man just assumed that everyone walks around with brown skidmarks in their underwear at all times?
The toilet paper in the bin? Like the wife says, why isn’t he flushing it? Does this guy not understand any aspect of using a toilet?
And finally, the main event, the statement that “a real man doesn’t go in between his cheeks or spread them open for anything”. Oh dude, I think you’re beyond help at this point. You’re a lost cause. Take your homophobic bullshit and smear it all across your arsecheeks.
Next up with have another man, and another poor woman, who is going through the same problem - he’s scared of his own bumhole.
The worst bit here is that he and his disgusting habits have made the girlfriend doubt herself - she’s wondering whether she might be in the wrong for correctly cleaning her behind. The thing is, he’s probably insisting she is.
So yes, ‘24F’, this absolutely is a dealbreaker. Get ‘26M’ out the house stat, and chuck some wet wipes out there while you’re at it.
Finally, we have this dude, who thankfully isn’t so terrified of his own body parts as the other two, but rather is just a little dim. The story’s funny though, so we’ll share it anyway.
This bloke’s plight is one I’ve heard from other men before - not realising that men also use the toilet seat, and that just because we are big, hard, macho bruises who eat nuts and bolts for breakfast doesn’t mean we’re resigned to a lifetime of sitting on cold, dirty porcelain.
I can’t do this anymore. I really have had enough.
I’m off to strangle a horse with my bare hands. I’ve not eaten anything yet today, and I fancy a snack.