News

This website tells you how likely your job is to be taken by a robot

Posted by
Gary Ogden
Published

If there’s one thing that I don’t stop banging on about, it’s robots. I fear them, but I respect them – showing the automatons your reverence is the only way to ensure they don’t immediately murder you when they eventually take over. If you pledge allegiance, you might be lucky enough to stand on their side – they might even give you a pneumatic arm as thanks, or something.

But at what rate will the robots take over? Slowly at first – they’ll sneak up on us, start with our jobs – creep in gradually before we even know what’s going on. THEN they’ll drink our spinal fluid. Jobs first, life blood after.

So, essentially, you need to know how long you’ve got until there’s a skinless mechanical biped sitting at your desk, eyes flitting across the office, scanning for the weakest workers, already plotting their “voluntary leave”. How long will you last? Will you be immediately dragged out, kicking and screaming by two sentry droids, and slowly fed into the rapidly snapping razor-sharp jaws of your new metallic manager, a red mulch gathering in a refuse tube beneath his feet, ready to be transported to The Farm, and used to power the batteries of the new-starters; or do you have a bit more time before your ultimate demise?

Well, thankfully, someone I know from one of the robot conspiracy internet forums I set up (this is a lie, it’s a real thing), has made a handy tool to tell you the answer. Essentially, you enter your job into the program, and it’ll tell you how likely it is that it’ll be taken over by robots. It’s simple.

Thankfully, I’m quite safe (for the time being):

But others are not so lucky:

Unfortunately, they don’t have every job in their database, so not everybody will be able to make the necessary preparations:

Either way, it’s worth checking for yourself. You can visit the site and input your own job here, if you like, but just be warned that you might not like what you see.

Particularly when what you see is a dead-eyed humanoid in a suit, that has come down “from upstairs” to talk to you about your future at the company. Grasp his shiny, cold hand as he greets you, wince under his disconcertingly strong handshake, wonder why nobody in the office will make eye-contact with you as you follow him into the lift, begin to shake as he stares forward in silence, a silence broken only once, when his stationary mouth emits the monotone message <<THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT>>.

You never came back. You were replaced the next day. Productivity increased. Your footprint is non-existent. You never worked here.

||\<{END OF TRANSMISSION}>//||

 

 

(Image: iStock)

Topics

Share this article

Author

Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

Related Posts