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This adoption advert for an “utter bastard of a cat” will make you want to adopt him

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Gary Ogden
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There are two types of cats: nice ones and dickhead ones. A nice one will let you rub its little pink tummy tummy woo woo, but a dickhead one will hiss like a jet-powered pavement cleaner and turn your forearm into a doner kebab. I like the first type – the fluffy little bizzers that rub their cute wet noses on your legs and nuzzle their poopy woopy heads into your lap. The other ones can fuck off back to Mars or wherever they’re from.

But do I have a dickhead cat for you today. Hooooo boy.

A pet adoption agency in Australia is running an advert for “Mr Biggles ? utter bastard of a cat.” And they go to great lengths in describing how much of a dickhead he is. Just look at him:

Looks like a right punk.

Here is a nice list of all the bad things about him:

  • If he doesn't like what you're doing he will give you a nip! Sometimes he likes to swipe at your feet too. It just depends on what he can reach at the time.
  • Mr Biggles does not like to be thwarted. He throws a catty tantrum if he can't go outside when he wants to be let out.
  • Not being fed on time, or allowed to strut across the kitchen benches helping himself to whatever is there is also a tantrum inducing exercise. 
  • Mr Biggles is a despot and dictator, he will let you know he is not happy, which is often because things are often just not up to his high standards.
  • Mr Biggles likes his cuddles on his terms, and will sit in your lap when he decides it's time. If the stroking is not up to his standards, he will nip you. 
  • Lord Bigglesworth believes he was put on this earth to be decorative and be worshipped by his human slaves!

So yeah, not the nicest of cats. But he does have his good points:

  • While he's not a fan of being picked up, likes a pat and cuddle from time to time and even permits kisses on his shiny black head if he's feeling mellow.
  • He loves sleeping on the end of the humans bed, and in his cat bed (and he snores just a little bit, it's so cute).

So not all bad. You can read the full advert here if you like.

Here’s another picture because supposedly cat pictures do well on the internet, and that’s the business we’re in, isn’t it?

Arsehole.

(Images: PetRescue)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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