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There's going to be a 'Sonic The Hedgehog' movie (and other things we learned this week)

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Gary Ogden
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James Marsden, not Paul Rudd, is bringing your second favourite video game character to the big screen

Week commencing 29/05/18

Many, many things to do and see on this page. You could read them silently, shout them out loud, remember them, forget them, gloss over them like a blasé warrior, print them all off and stick them onto your serial killer’s wall - just do whatever you want with them. Absolutely no skin off our honkers - here are the greatest, most interesting, exciting things on the site this week.

Here, looky look:

You there, you’re not as cool as you think by burning the candle at both ends, never having any sleep - actually, you’re completely un-cool, because you’re making your own brain eat itself, you cannibal

Read all about what those science bods are saying this time here, and then immediately get into bed otherwise your mind will be devoured before you ever have time to say “I only had TWO hours sleep last night - me and Jagerbombs eh? WHAT ON EARTH AM I LIKE?”

It’s very bloody stressful being a human being nowadays, and it’s literally killing some of us

Whack those peepers on another depressing story about your mortality here, then calm yourself, because there’s steam coming from the top of your head and your red veiny neck looks like a big fat you-know-what

Weezer finally caved in to the might of The Internet and did what we wanted them to do all along

Listen to their cover of Toto’s ‘Africa’ here, and bathe in the glory that this wonderful digital world gifts us - it’s SO GREAT BEING ONLINE ISN’T IT

There's going to be a 'Sonic The Hedgehog' movie (and other things we learned this week)

I’ve told you THREE times to stop acting out in music class, and I’ve had it! GET OUT!

Russia isn’t exactly the most welcoming place for LGBTQ football fans looking for an enjoyable holiday during the World Cup

Read what happened when one of our writers tried to book a hotel for him and his boyfriend and feel the chill, here

One of the worst videos has been released upon this here internet and you are about to watch it and have your day ruined

If you fancy watching an off-duty FBI agent doing a back-flip and accidentally shooting someone in the leg, then you may as well click here

Tom Cruise is a bit of a bloody show-off, isn’t he now?

Watch a video of Tom Cruise doing a really dangerous sky-dive here, and then wipe the sweat from your brow and thank the Heavens (which Tom was quite near) that you have fully entrenched your arse into that office chair of yours and are completely safe and in no danger of death, apart from the small chance that you might die of boredom

Watch Tom Cruise perform a 'HALO jump' for a terrifying stunt in 'Mission: Impossible - Fallout'

Big whoop, I once put an entire pack of Dairy Lunchables in my mouth at a talent show once. I’d like to see you do that, Tom

Richard Madeley is this country’s greatest television presenter, perhaps the world’s

Watch a clip of him being the most Dad version of Alan Partridge that you’ve ever seen here - he’s getting out of control, the man is spiraling into an incomprehensible oblivion and I shall be there every step of the way, regardless of the difficulty involved when trying to survive in a Black Hole

Andrew Lincoln, everybody’s favourite ‘man with a fake accent’ and ‘that bloke who won’t stop harping on about zombies’ has decided to leave The Walking Dead, presumably so he doesn’t have to have a fake accent and harp on about zombies anymore

Read all about it here, and find out who’s going to be taking over his role as the main character - clickbait? You better believe we’re not above that. Come on. CLICK IT. CLICK RIGHT HERE, SCAREDY-CAT.

The British passport might not be all it’s cracked up to be once that meteor known as Brexit hits Planet Earth

So head on over here and you can find out which passports it’s best to have if you fancy travelling somewhere without filling out a form which requires you cough up highly sensitive information like, you know, where exactly on your body your eczema is located

There's going to be a 'Sonic The Hedgehog' movie (and other things we learned this week) 1

A picture of two giant passports - look how big they are compared to Mexico. Millions will have died

Drinking beer is a good and healthy thing to do in the morning, shut up

Here is exactly why. This is from a health professional. STOP SAYING I CAN’T I WANT TO

They’re doing a Sonic The Hedgehog movie - this is a thing, and there shall be no judgement from our end upon discovering what you feel about this, really you can hate the idea or love it, we shall remain on the fence regarding your strong personal opinions because we’re not very good in a fight

Check out all the goss about the movie here, and then retain that opinion of yours, but just know that will will not react, we are conscientious objectors to matters of this ilk - take your fighting talk elsewhere

You’re probably attending a wedding this summer and that is news in and of itself

And if you need some tips on how to dance at one - you do, we’ve seen you - then read a bunch here, from noted footwork-fan Ne-Yo, a man who has been described by one particular man who is currently typing this very minute, as: confident on his feet

There's going to be a 'Sonic The Hedgehog' movie (and other things we learned this week) 2

Ne-Yo, there, with his two twin brothers, who, as a result of a birth-defect, live their lives entirely in monochrome

Defusing a bomb is a very hard and terrifying thing to do

See? Anyone that tells you otherwise is a LIAR

Drake and Pusha T are at each other’s throats like a pair of right wallies, this is not an example to set for the kids

You can read the full, comprehensive timeline of the entire thing here, and then maybe you will be spurred on to start a beef of your own with someone out of nowhere, it’s not our place to say

A Russian journalist died and then turned up at a press conference absolutely not dead in any way, and many many faces were met with the wet slap of many many eggs

Read all about how and exactly why he did this here, but don’t get any ideas because it’s probably illegal, right, to fake your own death, like if you made a big scene in your office and suddenly pretended to drop dead right in the middle of writing someth

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though. @garyblogden

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