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The Tyrannosaurus Rex was a big fan of foreplay, scientists discover

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Gary Ogden
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Foreplay is something I have never heard of, but apparently it is a thing, and everyone’s favourite dinosaur – the Tyrannosaurus Rex – was a staunch advocate of it.

According to US experts writing in the journal Scientific Reports, the tyrannosaurs had really sensitive noses, and would rub them together to get all hot and bothered, before presumably rutting like a pair of giant chickens up against a palm tree somewhere, the dirty hogs.

Although the dinos had thick armour-plated snouts to defend against attack (the prehistoric version of a nutshot), the skin was permeated by a load of small nerve openings called foramina. This basically meant that their snouts were as sensitive as our fingertips, and served as a sort of “third hand” (the prehistoric version of a “third leg”).

So they’d capitalise on this increased sensitivity by doing huge, stomping eskimo kisses on each other to get the juices flowing. They had to do something – T-Rexes were notoriously useless with their hands.

But their noses weren’t just for rude shagging stuff, they’d also use them to sniff things, build nests and pick up fragile items, like eggs, baby offspring and tiny Lego Technic models. Mainly shagging though.

This sexy theory was all spurred on by the discovery of a new dinosaur – the Daspletosaurus Horneri – which was a member of the tyrannosaur family. The scientists noticed that this smaller dino had a “mask” of sorts, with the aforementioned nerve openings, and deduced that other similar species had the same thing.

Of course, all the dinosaurs died at least 100 years ago, so how did the greasy scientists in their grotty lab-coats with nothing on underneath connect this discovery to naughty rumpy-pumpy stuff?

Well, it’s all because of crocodiles and alligators. They also frot each other’s faces to kingdom cum before getting into bed for a swift spot of explicit, lurid reptilian humping. They have loads of miniscule sensitive bumps all around their jaws called integumentary sensory organs, which feel nice when touched, particularly when the alligator from your study group that you’ve fancied for ages finally does it.

Lead scientist Dr Thomas Carr, from Carthage College in Wisconsin, says about the prehistoric connection: "Given that the foramina are identical in tyrannosaurs indicates that they had super-sensitive skin as well."

So because gators are pretty much modern-day dinosaurs, and also insatiable nymphomaniacs, it would make sense that tyrannosaurs were too, the mucky beasts.

Dinosaurs had it easy, you know – when I get caught in my room doing something I’m not supposed to, I can’t disguise it by blurting out “I was just blowing my nose!” can I? Liberty.

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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