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The Queen might be giving us an extra bank holiday this year

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Gary Ogden
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OK, she’s not actively giving it to us – the government would – but it’s directly because of her. Basically, she'll have been perched on that throne for 65 big ones this year, which is ages, and more than any other monarch in our history.

So, obviously we deserve a day off, thank you very much. A conservative MP that goes by the name of Andrew Rosindell agrees, essentially telling the Press Association that it would be a gosh darn travesty should we not have a national holiday: “It’s almost certainly going to be a very long time before any monarch gets anywhere near 65 years. It’s the first time we’ve had any Sapphire Jubilee and if we let this go by and don’t have some sort of national day of celebration, it’ll be a missed opportunity.

He’s chatted to Theresa May about it, too, who presumably cackled and agreed, but he’s got to chuck the idea at parliament on Tuesday before it’ll go ahead. Of course, everyone loves a day off, so it will go ahead, won’t it ladies and gentlemen? WON’T IT?

The Queen herself, well, she’s as modest as usual, saying that this record/milestone was “not one to which I have ever aspired". Yeah, it’s all good being humble and saying things like that, but what about me? I “aspire” to have a fucking day off, ma’am. Also, we know what you’re like, Liz, you like a massive bender just as much as the rest of us. 

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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